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A Smile that Hides Darkness

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A trip I recently have taken was a crazy and wild trip in life. I know this isn't one of those essays written about my trip to the beautiful light blue oceans and the salt smacking winds of the Caribbean, or one of those essays on how important my cell-phone or any digital gadget is to me, like many of the other students are writing about. Here was a painting. No, not one of those gorgeous, perfect, and carefree Picasso paintings. But a painting were her wrist was her canvas and her blood is her paint.             March 14th 2009 at 3:33, my best friend Jake did not reply to none of my messages, emails, or calls. And to let you know paranoia and over thinking can take control of my body and destroy my brain, so I started panicking and cried hysterically. I knew he was battling influenza but no he couldn't of died from it right? It was only a flu! I have to stop thinking for the worst and start thinking positive. Maybe he just doesn't have his phone near him maybe it was turned offThat day I found out Jake died from influenza. His faced turned the ugliest and scariest shade of purple, he could not breathe. "He can't be dying, no please god, no" just like the heavy raining clouds that day my eyes did the same. I saw my best friend in the whole wide world die right in front of me. His cold, helpless body just laid on the hospital bed. He died just at 16 years old.             After a while my friend Tommy thought he should just kill himself to be with Jake. Selena and I shooked him out of committing suicide.  Later on in the year, Tommy committed suicide. He even told me that he was and I begged him not to and only at 16 you have the whole world in front of you. Tommy told me it was because of all of his depression and he just broke up with his recent 'love'. Two deaths in one year. It got to me, it really got to me. I thought I was a bad luck charm, that every person I met I was bad luck and soonly they would die or commit suicide, so from that day on pledge that I will not met or speak to anyone. I didn't want to deal with getting attach and then someone leaving me in the end. That when my self harm became worst. And my cuts became deeper and deeper, my makeup got darker and darker, and my music got more hard rock then ever. I was depressed, straight out depressed. And no, I was not depressed like when a girl get her heart broken by the jerk she was dating, I mean like straight up depressed. I hated my life at that moment and was really thinking about suicide. Every night I would think and think of ways to be successful in my suicide. Let me remind you I was only in 6th grade. May 12th, 2009 I met my savor, my best friend, my reason why I am still breathing today. His name was prince and he was a 6 foot 4, dark-hair-brown-eyes 16 year old punk. He smoked some things he wasn't suppose to be smoking, he dranked until his brain was wasted, and his dad is in jail. I'm not going to give you his whole life story but if you knew what happened in this kids life, you would understand why he did the things he did. Anyways, from the day that I met him I knew my life was going to be flipped upside down. His persuasive words made me stop cutting. I've been doing self-harm for 3 years and this boy, this one person, made me stop in a heartbeat. My thoughts of suicide disappear. From there on Prince was my therapist and I was his. I made him stop smoking weed and I made him stop drinking. I'm honestly so proud to say from this day and on forever its been 1 year he hasn't smoked anything. Prince now is a the most respectable person I ever met. He is the type of guy who knows how to treat a girl like a princess and not judge a girl by her looks or care if a girl has an "hour glass" body shape like many so called "men" only go for in a girl. I got to see a change right before my eyes and this started to make me feel as if I could change for the better. I guess you can kind of say Prince Chance Lee is my role model. As I was getting older and reaching my 13th birthday, my dad became stricter and rougher with me, physically and mentally. He pointed out all my insecurities and flaws. When he got mad at me he would hit me and go insane. School started to be my gateway to heaven were I would feel was protected, but home was my gateway to hell Prince hated the fact that his little princess was getting abused by her crazed father and angry built up in him even more. I told him to calm down and I'm alright. I confronted my dad about all the things he would be me through and from that day on I have been ignoring him pretending he doesn't exist to my eyes. 7th grade was my good years. Daniela and I got so much closer because I opened up to her a lot more. In 7th grade I probably got the best grades I've ever gotten, and plus I got a lot closer to many of the students. Then I met Mrs. Lee and that's when my love for school actually grew. I'd only would want to go to school just to laugh and makes jokes with Mrs. Lee. I actually made plans with her that when were 21, Daniela, Megi, Justin, Asma, Lissi, Chanel, and I will take her to Vegas with us. 8th grade was my happiest year so far. Daniela and I made a time capsule with all our memories, letters we wrote to each other to read in the future that's coming, and we put pictures in there that made us laugh. Megi, Daniela, and I made plans that when were 19 we are going to buy an apartment and live all together until each of us separate and branch out to succeed our dreams. Also, we made plans to have our first big crazy Albanian- Italian-Mexican-Caymanian Christmas together. I hope that the year stays amazing for me as it has been doing so far. I know now that I can look on both of my sides and that I have Prince by my side and the rest of my friends. I know that Jake is here with me and so is Tommy. Really if it wasn't for prince my whole life would be a total, hectic, hideous mess.





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