Burned

September 3, 2011
By 1224L0v3 SILVER, Richmond, California
1224L0v3 SILVER, Richmond, California
5 articles 0 photos 24 comments

I wake up, suddenly wondering when I went to sleep, where I went to sleep. Then I take in my surroundings, my slightly burnt, thin and leathery suit with deep red sneakers my long braided black and red hair and my ridged and scratched painted red nails, and I realize I am not in London anymore. Yet still I am surrounded by a breathtaking view. There are beautiful flowers, snowdrop, primrose, daffodils, daisies, hawthorn, roses, larkspur, poppies, aster, calendula, chrysanthemum, narcissus and a flower I cannot place. I feel a sudden tingling sensation in my entire body, and then the most frightening thing that I could think of happens to me, I forget everything except that I am Chrisanthela
Then I fall into another dark, merciless sleep. Except this time I am accompanied by nightmares, the kind that stays with you forever. I am being chased by a deep red, oozing trail of lava, and I hear someone, a boy behind me yelling for help, but I do not turn around, I only steal a quick glance at the boy, just enough to see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes and the lava quickly consuming him. Then I feel warmth in my feet slowly crawling up my body, quickly accelerating into the unbearable, real pain of a burn that can never go unnoticed. Then I wake up screaming. I know it was just a dream, but it felt too real to be a dream. Yet the pain was so real and only then I notice the tingling sensation on my calf. So, I slowly urge myself to stop screaming. After about 15 seconds I accomplish this goal only to turn it into a gasp for air. Then I slowly inch my leathery attire up my leg until I see a gruesome burn. Before I can even react I feel the sensation I felt right before I fainted last time, then adrenaline kicks in and I start running. I’m not sure where I’m running to or from, but I just keep running.
After about 20 minutes the tingling fades, just as do the flowers. Then I fall flat and lay on the ground for the first time, actually considering if my situation is real, and the shock once I realize I’m not dreaming. As it sets in I hear a twig break to left and then again 2 feet to right and a few feet closer, and a little faster, they continue. Without realizing it I’m quickly on my feet and quietly getting closer and closer to the closest tree I can find. Then I snap a twig. And before I know it is stampeding towards me then crashing into the clearing I am in. I stay absolutely still hoping it is not a very bright creature, that maybe it will wander away, forgetting or disregarding that one mishap of my foot that lead to that snap. Yet as I hold my breath, I hear quiet, quick, rapid steps. So quiet that I misjudge them as 50 feet away when it is once again currently breaking through the cover of the trees and into the clearing. I hear the clang of metal and the snarl and whimpers of creature unknown to me. Then as quickly as it started, it stops. I don’t even dare to blink as I hear those same quiet steps get closer and closer to me until it is on the other side of my tree, 2 feet away. Then I hear a strangely familiar voice asking, “Who’s there?”Then the steps continue until I am staring at the back of a boy, a very young boy probably about a year older than me that I let out a slight gasp. Then in a matter of 2 seconds there is a silver sword splattered with purple blood under my chin. My eyes follow the sword to the hand up to the face, and then I feel the blood drain out of my face, because the face of the boy in front of me belongs to face of the boy in my dream.
He has black hair and soft eyes a slender build is probably 5’6about 2 inches taller that me. I try to say something, anything but my voice is completely dry, and then words escape my lips “who are you?”


The author's comments:
If you read this please comment, because I am making a long story. I hope all you talented writers will give me some advice! I have other parts to add, please tell me if I should post some.

My Idol is Suzanne Collins

HUNGER GAMES FOREVER!!!

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This article has 11 comments.


FULLSTOP GOLD said...
on Oct. 14 2011 at 8:45 am
FULLSTOP GOLD, Skipton, North Yorkshire, Other
13 articles 7 photos 103 comments

Favorite Quote:
forever and ever and ever and ever will never be enough

its good by my standards, and i think it has potential x Keep writing!

Little.Miss said...
on Oct. 12 2011 at 2:55 pm
Good! I look foward to reading the final piece! :)

on Oct. 11 2011 at 6:40 pm
1224L0v3 SILVER, Richmond, California
5 articles 0 photos 24 comments
 ok I'll try to do that with the entire story. :)

Little.Miss said...
on Oct. 11 2011 at 2:58 pm

IT's a very neat idea, but there are multiple writing mistakes. Remember to revise, revise, revise, and edit before submitting work, even to websites like TeenInk. I think this could be an amazing story, once it's revised. It's just things like run-ons, grammar mistakes, and telling instead of showing. I always make those mistakes too though, it's just important that we catch them!

Good luck and keep writing!


Mpbeanie said...
on Oct. 9 2011 at 7:38 pm
Mpbeanie, Middletown, New York
0 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I need you to try. Look around. Everyone is broken. If you continue to wear the label, that's all you'll ever be."

I agree with JoPepper's comments. You certainly have a great deal of potential. I would suggest proofreading, but other than that you did a splendid job!

on Sep. 10 2011 at 5:23 pm
1224L0v3 SILVER, Richmond, California
5 articles 0 photos 24 comments
If I get 50 views or 10 rates/comments, I will post another part

on Sep. 10 2011 at 9:44 am
JoPepper PLATINUM, Annandale, Virginia
35 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Freedom is the ability to not care what the other person thinks."

"Not all those who wander are lost" --JRR Tolkien

"When you are listening to music it is better to cover your eyes than your ears." --Jose' Bergamin

Oh thats all right keep writing!!!!!!!!! :D

on Sep. 10 2011 at 9:40 am
JoPepper PLATINUM, Annandale, Virginia
35 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Freedom is the ability to not care what the other person thinks."

"Not all those who wander are lost" --JRR Tolkien

"When you are listening to music it is better to cover your eyes than your ears." --Jose' Bergamin

That's alright keep writing!!!!!!! :D

on Sep. 9 2011 at 6:10 pm
1224L0v3 SILVER, Richmond, California
5 articles 0 photos 24 comments
Thank you!!! You are my first comment ever! I am sorry I mispace it... I do not mean to put it in fiction because I am going to add more parts.

on Sep. 9 2011 at 5:10 pm
JoPepper PLATINUM, Annandale, Virginia
35 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Freedom is the ability to not care what the other person thinks."

"Not all those who wander are lost" --JRR Tolkien

"When you are listening to music it is better to cover your eyes than your ears." --Jose' Bergamin

It has great potential there were a few lines/words that seem as if they were missplaced like when you're at the climax and then you start labeling the height ( i wonder who the guy is????).  Did you mean to put this in the fiction section? Other than that great job!!!!! :D

on Sep. 8 2011 at 5:17 pm
1224L0v3 SILVER, Richmond, California
5 articles 0 photos 24 comments
Thank you guys for reading this!!!




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