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Chasing What Isn't There

I've always been one to argue, but today I've decided to stay silent. I've decided to let you make your own decisions for once. All I've ever thought about doing was looking after you, taking care of you, and spending forever with you. Lately, life hasn't been kind enough to let that happen.

~~Six Months Earlier~~

I remember when you walked in on me crying on my bed one night, "What's wrong?" you asked, almost crying with me. "Big kid stuff," I told you, like I've told you many times before. "Cheer up, Tashy!!" you screamed across the room with the biggest smile on your face. "I'm trying, Kris. You gotta leave now, I love you."

Being my little brother, It's my responsibility to make sure you're alright, but it shouldn't be my responsibility to make sure you have someone who loves you. That's what its come to, though. Every time you cry, I cry, and every time you smile, I smile with you. I know that our mom doesn't love me anymore, she's made it perfectly clear by never talking to me, but I know mommy loves you. She just doesn't have time for you, luckily, I do.

Yesterday I heard you scream as if you were being beaten, then you cried. You cried so loud. When I tried to see you, your dad told me no. He's your dad, not mine. "Let me in!" I screamed, over and over. "No, he's MY son, not yours!" Ken, your dad, shouted back. "But I'm the best parent figure he has," I said as I walked away, crying. I could've been there, I should've been there. I haven't felt this much regret in my entire life.

Time has been passing very slowly for the past few weeks, and I can't stand it. I'm going through more than I ever have in my helpless teenage life, and you are pulling away from me. I have nobody, and I wish you'd realize that neither do you. We're all eachother's got.

I started listening to music with my ear buds now, Instead of just out loud. This way, I can ignore the whole damn world when something goes wrong, which it does every night.
I couldn't hear you knocking on my door last night, but I wish I did. You were calling out for my help. That's all I've wanted for weeks, but I was too absorbed in my own self pity to realize you were there. I let you down.

~~Six Months Later~~

I'm moving out, and leaving you behind. What am I supposed to do? "Bye, Tashy," you said to me. "I love you, Kris. I promise I'll visit," I said through tears as you walked away from me, only remembering how I let you down. I love you more than you could ever imagine, I wish you could see.
You've made a decision to forget me, like I accidentally did to you. I was supposed to help you, but instead I hurt you. Now I lay in bed each night, wondering how to get you back, even though I know I can't.





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