Dear Man Who Has No Heart

July 31, 2011
1737 That Girl You
Lied To, 94010

The Week After Ith, Found Out

Mr. Man Who Has No Heart
King of Very Many Expletives
140 Hopefully Where You're Living
Hell, 66666

Dear Man Who Has No Heart,

I hope this letter finds you in the most terrible of times. Furthermore, I hope your dog has died and you stumbled upon it early one morning on your way back from the shower. My sincerest apologies to your dog for having wished upon it it such a fate as to have been trodden on by you.

I am writing in regards to the fact that I have just recently discovered your lie in ripping out my heart, crushing it into a million tiny pieces, and leaving it out for the crows to eat. (As in: lie, lied to, and made to look like an idiot.) It makes me disgusted to think with what joy you comforted me in those sad weeks of depression. I have taken your illegal fireworks and used them to incite your letter ablaze, if you were wondering about the burns.

I wish to inform you that I was perfectly within my own right to hide behind that trash can to avoid seeing you – upon reflection, it was quite a sad metaphor for the situation I was in. Additionally, I did not steal your girlfriend, seeing that: 1.) she's not your girlfriend because she will never love you and 2.) she simply found my company ultimately superior to your own. Although, if you will allow me to be perfectly candid, I did have a very satisfied laugh about it afterwards and hoped it caused you great pain.

Along with this, I would like to have the gloating satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.” Had you not proven your inferiority by abandoning me to get a burrito with Walter, I may not have discovered how completely menial you actually are. I always said that that would come back to bite you. As a reminder: Yes, it was a big deal. In fact, it was my birthday. [Expletive deleted].

If you're interested, I take particular joy in calling your bitterest of enemies my closet friend. I always knew his company was delightful, but I feel that this has just been proven by your complete lack of regard for his brilliance. I know it will only anger you further, were I to fill the next few sentences of this paragraph with praise and adulation of how completely wonderful and sincere he is, so I will just allow you to imagine them yourself. I'm sure you have a whole bank of childhood memories to draw upon.

To reiterate, if you: touch me, look at me, speak to me, happen to glance at me, walk too near me, be anywhere in my general vicinity, or in any other way try to communicate with me, I will slap you so hard that Kim Jong il in North Korea will be able to hear it.

Warmest Regards,

Alina U.

Extremely Pissed

P.S. I always knew you'd break my heart.

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