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I Have to Wonder

By , New Hope, PA
In these past few months of my teenage life, I’ve learned many things. I’ve learned that taking the hardest classes doesn't make you smart. I’ve learned that a daily bowl full of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream wont make you fat. I’ve learned that people are too busy worrying about themselves so there is no reason why one should worry about what others think. I’ve learned that it’s important to say “I love you”, even when you know the person knows how you feel. And I’ve learned that life is filled with so many people telling you what to do and how to do it, that it’s hard to choose your own path. It’s easiest just to follow what everyone else is doing rather than wonder if your doing things for the right reasons.

But I have to wonder.

Life is hectic right now. I’m getting ready to start my last year of high school, and I’m stuck doing the tedious tasks of college searching and SAT/ACT/SAT subject test studying. I’ve got summer work to do, and I’ve got a job. It feels like I hardly have any time anymore to do the things I truly want to do. I want to start writing my book. I want to finish my song. I want to see my friends–the ones from middle school–the ones I barely ever see. I want to sit down with my mother, the one who I will be leaving soon and enjoy another night of Criminal Minds and cherries. And even more, I was to spend every moment I can with my boyfriend–my first love, my true best friend–who is leaving for college in a month. But the truth is, as I look at my kitten calender and watch the days fade by oh so quickly, I’ve realized that there just isn't enough time for everything.

So i’ve wondered, should we follow the path we have been guided upon? Are these things we are doing–college, tests, jobs, homework–the things we have ben told to do since a very young age—are they really something that should control our lives? Is it worth giving all of the amazing things in our lives–friends, family, love, and fun–for something that’s been chosen for us by someone else?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those rebellious teens who think that school is the wrong way to go and that the only thing worth doing is going crazy and breaking rules. No way Jose. I think schools, jobs, and work are all great things that help us feel wanted, that better society, and that help us become better people. I love school, I love learning, and I absolutely love my job. But it just feels like we focus too much time on these sorts of things. From the age of 4 onward, we begin prepping for a life of school and work–a life that society has planned for us. And we never get a chance to see if thats right for us. While we do get to experience all of the great things during and after school and work, it feels like we, each individually, should have the ability to find our own balance.

Perhaps I don’t know what I’m saying. Maybe the only reason I’m saying this is because its 11:30 at night, and I just can’t fall asleep. But as I curl up next to my childhood stuffed animals and smell the familiar scent of baby lotion, I can’t help but feel worry and sadness over what I could be giving away. My friends–the ones I may slowly slip away from. My family–who I will soon be leaving behind when I depart for college. My love–the only person I ever want to be with, and the one who is leaving in 37 days.

It just makes me wonder, if we were able to find our own balance and society were to focus less on work and money making, would my life feel less hectic and stressful? Would I have a stronger connection with all my friends? Would I not have to leave my mother behind so quickly, and would I get to devote more of my time to her? Would I get to be with my boyfriend and end things when they are meant to end…or perhaps even never end things? Would I get to explore the world, travel, and learn on my own in a way that ends up being more beneficial and worthwhile in the end?

I just wonder.





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