Being Late: A guide to getting in class and getting out of trouble

June 12, 2011
Being late: A risk takers guide to getting in class and out of trouble
EII EIIE EII. The familiar sound of daybreak rings in the ear of millions of American teenager’s everyday. Many a time, this obnoxious ring comes anywhere from 10 to 45 minutes to late. Who hasn’t had a morning like this? In a fury and blaze of energy, you stumble out of bed, do your hair, put your clothes on and get your school books in our bag. You rip open your closet only to find a cacophony of piled, dirty clothes and askew hangers, and nothing you can possibly wear to school. In a desperate attempt to conserve time, you throw on a partially stained non-uniform shirt, then throw a baggy sweatshirt over to it to hide last Tuesday’s pizza stain. To top it off, amidst all this mounting chaos the sensation of dread floods your body at the thought of awkwardly slipping into class, all eyes on you, late, in a spotlight of shame and loneliness. There was a student who had a bad day, and THE LATE BELL was her name-o. Terrible as this experience can be, with the right sort of lateral thinking and gutsy ingenuity, this miserable fate befallen by so many can be avoided.
The various methods in which students attempt to hide there existence while tip toeing into class late vary from the mundane to the bizarre and shockingly effective. A classic is the floating binder technique. Since object permanence is a skill elusive to the typical adolescent, placing a binder in front of your face as you walk by (preferably of the brightly colored seizure inducing variety) will disguise your presence to the world. Remember, if they can’t see you, you don’t exist. Be careful not to scare your teacher however, since going from non existent to existing in your seat out of no where might stir up accusations of witchcraft or scientology.
For those extra sensitive souls out there, finding out your instructors cell phone number, calling them in class and “notifying them of there car being lit on fire in the parking lot” will definitely get your teacher out of the room. While they’re frantically trying to salvage there precious 1979 Yugo, discretely slip into the room, into your seat and home free. Just be sure the teacher doesn’t have your number, or something going to burn, and most definitely it will be your face while you explain to your teacher your perfectly legitimate reason for faking arsony.
Living in a consumer capitalist society, you can never go wrong with a billboard distraction. Erect it high and make sure it says something offensive about the teacher on it, such as “Mr. Bob is a fat face”. While everyone flocks out side to view its splendor and bask in the undeniable truth of your opinion, sneak into your seat. This method allows for some wiggle room are far as your timing on sneaking in, considering the confused and horrified state your teacher will be in when they see a such a proclamation plastered to all the world. (Deep dark secrets and pictures are also fair game. Embarrassing 1970’s prom pictures and letters to unrequited objects of love are highly recommended.) You’ll be home free, and you’ll brighten the day of your pupils to boot!
If you class happens to be on the ground floor and your feeling extra rugged that day, rather than using plastic eating utensils to break out of jail, use a plastic eating utensil to break into jail! Take your school issued tool of food dispension and a map of your school and mine your way into first period A OK! (As a precautionary measure, make sure it’s either a spoon or a spork. Forks by themselves are not effective at dispensing dirt and or busting through underground water valves.)
Air ducts are not only useful in highly contrived spy movies and teen sitcoms. Crawling in them, throwing down a rope and shimmying down to your spot in class are great ways of getting to your seat. If you happen to be wearing all black that day and have the Kim possible cell phone jingle at hand, this method will be especially well coordinated. Be careful however that there are none of those who are still weary of any threats of communist infiltration. The sight of a cloak and dagger espionage style spy sneaking into a place of public indoctrination might incur a 3rd red scare, and, lets be honest, being black listed can really ruin your week.
Justin Beiber, The cute Canadian prince of pre-pubescent pop harmonies, will certainly send people screaming out of the room (whether it be in ecstasy or terror, really depends on your classes demographic). Simply print out thousands of free Justin Beiber concert tickets, get mega phone, climb atop the ceiling of your schools largest, center most building, and shout “FREE CONCERT TICKETS!!!!!” Proceed to throw down said concert tickets to your fan girling student body. While teachers/local police force are dispatched to regulate the incoming ticket induced blood bath, simply locate your soon to be empty class room and take your seat. WARNING: a form of disguise is highly recommended to maintain anonymity. Once your fellow students attempt to cash these tickets in at an actual concert and find out there true nature, the last thing you want is a torch and pitch fork mob of angry teenage girls coming to light your house on fire.
Everyone has experienced those days where we wish we could just become completely invisible. Believe it or not, this can be a completely viable way of getting through your day unscathed. Simply retrieve the letter of acceptance to Hogwarts your aunt lily threw away, get into the boys dormitory and steal the invisibility cloak. Incidentally, if you come across a pointy stick and a shiny rock, you might achieve immortality. Go figure!
Being late for class can be a thoroughly unpleasant and disheartening experience. But with the right amount of innovation, fore sight, and sometimes sheer lack of pre-frontal lobe impulse control, all discomfort and consequences can be gracefully avoided.
Or, perhaps, when all else fails, a late pass will do just fine.





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