Ex Boyfriend

May 29, 2011
By tara.stanzione GOLD, Pawtucket, Rhode Island
tara.stanzione GOLD, Pawtucket, Rhode Island
11 articles 1 photo 2 comments

You know what happens when you fall deep but you thought about it and what if you never feel the way you did for him for anyone else. What if it’s all just not to be lonely? You are scared to tell people how you feel because of the effects and response that you’ve already gotten. Yu can’t control who you fall for and how hard. How can he act like that towards you? He used to be amazing and he’s so nice to everyone else. What did you do to make him despise you so greatly? You wish he never liked you. You wouldn’t have gotten attached to his friends or family or the places you always used to go. You wouldn’t have even met some of the people who have completely changed and basically ruined your life. Without him you would still have your good friends and would still be around the people that care about you. You wish you never liked him as much as you did and you need to not care about him anymore. You still do and you hate it because he’s been done and through with you for months. What’s wrong with you?

Don’t kid yourself and repeat that everything happens for a reason. It is you that determines who you are, and in all, the main aspects of your life. You tell people that it’s okay because he has hurt you so many times that it really doesn’t bother or affect you anymore but you are lying. It hurts every time. It is just better not to admit that to yourself; never mind to others. Yu don’t need to see the reactions to what they have never felt before and it’s just better not to show it; especially after time goes by. It is also better not to say anything and try to forget; hope to forget; and fail. How can you love someone so much and have him feel nothing for you in return.

Even if it shouldn’t hurt after the millionth time it still does and the reason is because you get that small speck of hope back. Once it’s destroyed you pretend not to care because you don’t want yourself to anymore. They don’t care. Actually. It’s worse than that. It’s not only that they don’t care. It’s that they think you are pathetic for feeling the way you do. Worse part is if they know that you care they take advantage of you completely. You don’t even realize it because you are blinded by what you feel and what you want them to feel back. They’re the ones that provide you with that hope and the whole time they know what they are doing. They know that they’re going to take it away as soon as they have you where they want you again.

You wake up to a text; or aim; or something else useless, small, and stupid. You see their name, open it, and they’re nice to you. You think maybe it’s not over. Maybe you can do something to get it back. You are wrong. It is all just a game to them; yet it’s everything to you. What are you supposed to do when one minute someone is your world and the next they’re gone? Everything in and around you broken and you are left with nothing. Nothing left to look forward to. No point in any kind of happiness you feel because nothing will ever measure up to what you felt when you had him and he was yours. They just move on with their lives as if you never existed and you can’t even scrape up the energy to get out of bed some days. Telling them would be of no use; they’d turn it into an embarrassment. A sick and twisted joke of some sort. They’d play it off saying s*** like “Why do you care so much? You’ll get over it. ” Or “You are such a cry baby it shouldn’t be that big of a deal”. All you are thinking through it is how can it be that they don’t care half as much as you. How can something you feel that strongly about be concluded with nothing in return for it. How is it even possible?

You can’t like anyone else. At least not legitly. It’s ridiculous. You don’t want to not feel how you used to if that makes sense. How could you feel that incredible and then have it taken away and never feel it again. What he used to say; what you used to do; the jokes; even the meaningful bull. The “I love you’s.” All of it. It means nothing to them anymore and it still means everything to you. You can’t take back your mistakes, but you should be forgiven. Some people say that they didn’t know what they had until it was gone. What if you knew exactly what you had and it still walked away. But in the end it is not him that’s hurting you. It’s yourself.

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