The Emo: A Case Study

May 10, 2011
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Mankind has been blessed with various sub species. In the past few years, Mankind has embraced onto itself a new and well, “different” sub species, The Emo.

Filled with angst and darkly darkness, the emo is quite the specimen and this writer will go the distance to ensure you know all that there is to know about them.

The Emo is usually an angsty teen. The writer has researched and discovered that the spawning of the emo takes place during an extremely troublesome part in the life on an individual ( read : puberty ). In goes the average pre-teen person and out comes the Emo. Enriched with nose piercings and mood swings, the Emo embarks on the quest that has been revealed to him via Satanic and Bullet For My Valentine songs. Yes, they do make sense.

Now that was all the scratching the surface, let us delve further, although the whole thought of scratching an Emo isn’t very appealing at all.

The Emo, being the stuff of Urban legend that he is, is found in well, urban areas. His home can fool you into believing that it is like every other home until you step into his demonic lair of satanic darkness ( read: his room ). It will be there that he shall be found sulking in a dark corner writing on the wall with ketchup and pretending that it was blood. He has been found to be rather hospitable and will ask you to join in on his acts of condemned rebellion into the darkness ( read: adding random girls on facebook).

Having been sent down for “a cause”, the Emo decided that it is not befitting for him to be dining in normal fashion. He takes to starving for it will help him bond with nature. He will feed himself on air and “the soul of the earth”. All this before he starves, goes running to his mother and begs her to make him a sandwitch.

Now, studies show the emo wouldn’t really have ended up this way. Just that, somewhere down the line he heard how the opposite gender prefers sensitive guys and he took it that by sensitive, they meant wrist slitting, piercing laden freak shows. The first feature in the life of an emo are the piercings. The more hardcore the emo, the more the piercings. A friend of mine had fun by placing a magnet next to the face of an emo . Worst things you could do to an emo, trust me. The second in the line would be the various scars on his wrists, for wrist slitting is a ritual among the emos. And then of course, there’s the hair. Never mind that.

Love Life:
This is the most, interesting parts of an Emo’s life. The Emo is too timid to approach a girl in real life and hence he will resort to the comforts of the computer screen to do so. He will firstly put up a profile name that is only befitting of his hallowed realms of darkness. E.g. Frozen Silence Thuderzzz. Dark profile pictures will follow and he’s good to go. Random friend requests will be sent to all females in sight. Those who do accept, in three or four facebook conversations, will have eternal love confessed to them. The girls, not being dweebs themselves, will reject and hence trigger a new spree of wrist slitting and emo song writing on the distuned guitar. If only life wasn’t so unfair.

As mentioned above, the Emo will keep resorting to the internet as the means to find true love. Among the flood of rejections, one girl will be desperate enough to accept and hence a new fairy tale will start. The Emo will dedicate his life to the newly found princess. He will shower her with affection ( read: emoticons ) and will have his eyes fixed at her beauty ( read : facebook screen ). He will write her poems that rhyme yet make no sense and declare how her love is something he could surely die for. From the depths of his dark heart, new and innocent hope shall blossom. Flowers shall bloom and birds shall be chirping in the once barren world of the Emo.

But alas, nothing good lasts forever and at some point, the girl will realize her mistake and drive off saying , ‘ It’s not you, it’s me”. Although, it was always him. The aftermath of this break up will not be pretty. He will change his name to “ Emosynil Versifier”. He will slit wrist after wrist and write poem after poem. He shall erase sunlight from his life and become an eternal inhabitant of the dark. And the whole process will start from scratch.

All that before a new craze catches up with him. The Emo is thus one of the most complex of all human sub species. If you or your friend are one ,please, please email this writer and help him with his research. Thank you.

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