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Do you think you know me,
or just decide to guess away
cause it hasn't me long to see
that there is one person for me
If the pieces fit together
We may last forever
taking our time
but now our time is taken.

You look at me and I look back,
for the first time I realize,
you mean more to me each time.



More recent:

Sunday
1/20/08

Weird dream, though I still wake up in the middle of the night, hoping to change its content, but I fail nevertheless. Some how he comes back. At least last nights dream was different then the others though I have no control anymore. It started out pretty well with my sister and myself in this big house that was three stories high. My mother walks by looking worried, " What's wrong?" I ask her.
"Too many of your friends are here!" That house was ours? My unconscious self thought. I loved the thought of living with my mother in a big house. However something was different about her, she look depressed, her faced strained from the past stress that she never deserved, she look older than she actually was I am sure. I didn't know until I look around and saw that the house was a disaster and someone was missing. Her boyfriend. How awful, but before I could say anything she went to, I assumed, her bedroom. Then, peoples began to come in. Not just people, my friends, but they didn't look happy, nor did they have any expression what so ever. They all looked like the walking dead that would plead to leave the earth but couldn't. I walked past the bunch of them to see what was down stairs going down; I saw that our front door was surrounded by big windows so you could see the rest of the hill in which our house was on. We made it to Oregon. My family has always wanted to move there. It looked beautiful especially since the sun was now setting.

I sat to watch when all of a sudden two dogs come out of no where and start whipping their broken chains at my hands. Stupidly, I got up and started to chase the dogs and grab the chain. I got around the house when my mother yelled out, " Let 'em go, they'll come back they always come back." So I let them go.
I sat back down, legs stretched out, hands at my sides while I lean back The grass was cold, Which made me conclude that it was morning, and that this dream seemed extremely real. For some reason I looked back and who else do I see. It is no one other than the person who I thought loved me, who broke up with me and I have yet to give up on. I got a good look at him; he was staring out into space with his brown touched green eyes. The flips on the sides of his head made by his dark brown hair, made me giggle inside, and his small lips parted. His face looked more extravagant in the sun light. Then he back. He looked at me; I immediately turned away, got up and ran into the house which made it even more suspicious. I got up the stairs, but stopped to look out the large windows. He was wearing our middle school sweatshirt. He also now had a Bluetooth thing for his phone in his ear. He just sat there not realizing that I, again, was admiring him, just wishing he was mine again or that this pain would go away. I don't know how long it was before these thoughts were disturbed by a person coming up the stairs. Of course it was the big mouth king who told no one but the person you hate worst to know. I ran up the stairs... then all goes blank.


Thursday
1/24/08


The Impossible Dream That Will Never Come True

When he approached me he leaned in and then it began in front of room 32 a sort of heaven had formed him and me and face to face. I wished it would never end. Spinning in this high of happiness I was up against the wall now, we turned and he pushed me away," We aren't together! I never loved you!" Was all he said.
Dagger of pain shot through my soul and heart. He walked away to his French class living me in misery. I cried, then awoke crying the top of my mouth burning my breath lost at things my thoughts of him said to me. Words I unconsciously thought of his perfect face saying. His voice makes my blood rush, the thought of him finding this, makes me die inside. The way I feel is unknown to him which causes pain and relief. As he swiftly moves down the hall my heart drops, but my mind is aware of his location of his beautiful face. His amazing mind. For now I write to avoid the thought of the fact, he isn't mine.

Love is lost,
But I am still here.
Pain still hurts,
So that I may shed a tear.
Heart feels empty,
With the lose of hope.
That cost me my soul,
So here I write in this blank book.
To tell you of my sorrows,
Of a piece of my heart,
That was suddenly took.

________________________


The will of tomorrow,
The will of today.
The will to be free,
To have something to say.
To broadcast to the world,
Of the feelings felt,
To let it be known,
That my heart is beginning to melt.
For if my thought is true,
And my dream be heard,
My heart may live freely,
Free as a bird.
An alone bird,
A thought to ignore.
It is still a dream,
Opportunity is at my door,
Let the love bleed out,
So that I may breath in.
Let me close my eyes,
So I can see within.


_____________________


Little we once were
worry free we used to be
Now all that comes is sadness
As far as the eye can see.
I want to go back to that carefree time
To when we jumped rope
Singing a nursery rhyme.
In another life maybe it could,
But not now for the matter,
I don't think it should.


_____________________


The air is of ice,
Giving me the feeling,
That anything bad can happen.
When I am around you,
The air is warm and secure.
As the cold wind blows by
It takes me back
A few steps back
To where you put me,
Where I belong.


But how do I know where that is? I don't but nothing feels right anymore. Feeling like my life has no meaning doesn't help either. I can tell my sort of "depression" effects my surroundings. Some of my friends don't talk to me anymore others try way to hard to make me feel better, but its just not the same. It is all too different. Trying to distract myself is becoming even more difficult as weeks and months go by. I am too afraid to hit the source as I may make the wound deeper. I feel I have changed myself more than necessary, though now I believe the world will never accept me the same way.





Friday
1/25/08

The feeling of not eevn being able to see him is more frightening then thee feeling i get when i realize he is not mine. He is here now though, but I am not even suppose to be writing because our teacher is trying to explain political cartoons, which I can't even read with my friends glasses. He seems to get them, he seems bored of this class already, but so am I. I feel so sick I didn't want to get up this morning. My dream, luckily, i don't remeber, though I know he was there. My way of haunting myself incedently. Someone just needs to force this out of me if possible.

Saturday
1/26/08

I hate my memory! I remeber most everything except apparently the dream of him that i had last night. The second one isn't as.. well interesting.


I wake up in my bed, my sister just staring at me. I decide to ignore her and walk down the hallway. I remeber big glass windows showing a few inches of fresh snow at outside. I look to my right and I find my old barbie mansion, its cheery pink, white, and green painted self simply sitting there on the floor. i look back and who do I see, but him walking toward me. My heart jumped, my arms longing to leap out in front of me and hold him again, and for him to hold me back. However, before I could make a move he was gone.

Gone. Where I couldn't tell at the time, but I wentand got my breakfeast(cheerios) but didn't eat. i threw out the bowl and went back down the hall way. It was lighter outside then, when I heard a strange noise coming form the barbie mansion I looked and all I saw wrre the barbie dolls. A ken with curly hair and an actually barbie with really messy hair. I pick both of them up and began an aurgument.
"Why are you leaving me? I love you doesn't tthat mean anything to you?"i said moving the doll vigorously.
"No there was no connection. It doesn't matter anymore."The ken doll responed.

And then i began to tear. The mysterious sound occured again. I look a second time at the house and find that I am staringdirectly at him in ken size. He seemedas shocked as I was. Then he ran, ran as far away from me as he could. I was furious with myself. How could I have let that happen? Why didn't I think he would be watching?I wanted so desperately to talk to him, so I screamed his name over and over, until I finally awoke with tears.

Saturday
1/26/08(midnight)

I need to wirte again to prevent myself from trying to call him, though I desperately need to hear his voice, see his face. Just thinking about it or visualizing it in my ind is not enough, it hurts even. I dont feel like doing anything, because some how it leads back to him. Spanish does even because I always gave him a hug and complained more than necessary about that class. Now in between those periods(3 and 4) he doesn't even walk that way anymore, tears a little more at the hole. Eclipse does because well its a love story, but I have difficulty putting it down because I get his picture best when I am reading it. He is in my history class and geometry class. He used to complain about how much we would write in science, while I told him how easy english was. I begining to have trouble looking at myself because he called me beautiful, even when he had broken up with me he had said I was, and I never believed him nor did i ever think he really thought so. Which should make this easier but what does at this point. Somehow I was doing about two or three weeks ago, but went right back to where I started: alone, depressed, ashamedof myself, selfish. Though I am now making it worse by accidently taking it out on my friends who have done nothing, but try to help. But either I am exaggerating or they are under estamating the problem. I where a wrist band of duct tape on my left arm(ironically the arm I had cut to a point where i will have a scar), which reminds me of him as well as the duct tape rose he made me and the duct tape I stole frommy frind who stole it from him to fix my backpack.He has an obesion with duct tape which is something very unique, but interesting. his concentration is amazing. it looks completely flawless. Though it has been a long time since I have sen him do anything like that, he has a new thing but he still his obession. He constantly does a rubik's cube, though now so does everyone, including myself. It is rather annoying though, I did learn this year, but iwas planning on learning last. Last year he already knew how, he brought it to algebra , most likely to show off, but i didn't care about that, His sort of "nerdyness," is a good way to put it was what I was drawn to. Later on he became most interesting. the way he calculated stuff was amazing. He also was one of the class clowns him and his best friend, who i had sat next to. Trouble makers, but smart nevertheless. In my year book he wrote the most odd thing, to me anyway.
"Knock, Knock,
Whose There?
Jamican
Jamican who?
Jamican me horny."

My majjah of course didn't approve, but it made me laugh especially since i did like him, a lot. Then for a week or two during the summer I went to Oregon to visit my majjah's side of the family. I got stuck in the tree in their backyard hnad got bored and called him and he laughed at me, eventually I dropped my phone so I had to find a way down. All because I wanted to talk to him.The next week on a Monday(July 16)my friend got us together. After that we spent all the time we could together. He came over the first time(before we were together)
and my friend and I told him not to go through the mud, but he did it anyway and got himself and his phone covered in mud. We were on our way to my house to get him rised off with my hose so he let me ride his bike so i dissapeared behind the bushes, but ran into the fence, but they didn't see, I was too far ahead. while I was off acting stupid, My frined asked him who he liked."Ninja girl over there." Of course my friend told me ths afterward but I still was amazed. He called me ninja girl, that was like the coolest thing ever. Anyway I came back into view and told them my adventure, they laughed of course. We got there and I went in the house to clean up and they stayed back to clean him off. We left when I came back out. Target wasn't too far away and when we got there, we sat in the food court and then my friend got frustrated with us because nither of us would ask the other one out so she did a marrige ceremony, but for boyfriend-girlfriend situation. Then we bothsaid yes then went cruising around the store and ran into my majjah. That was interesting, then we went to Carls Jr. and my friend and new boyfriend got large drinks. He and I sat next to each other and my friend sat on the other side. We talked and eventually my friend claimed she had to go to the restroom, but I didn't believe her. As she was getting up, he tripped her and she knocked over her drink. Trouble, trouble, and more trouble. The lady behind the counter
wasn't happy but she cleaned it up and we left as soon as my friend came back. We ended up going back down from where we came from and he said he had to go so we hugged and he went down his street. My friend look at me like I was crazy.
"What?"
"Did you just make out with him?"
"No"
"Well that was a pretty long hug then."

Funny it seemed only a fraction of a second.


Over the next few days he would come over and I would be watched by either my friend or my sister to make sure nothing was happening. Though nothing needed to happen. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. I found someone to love, to love me. We were then seperated for weeks at a time until school started. He only had two classes with me. I spent break and lunch, clinging to his arm like a shy child, when around his friends. My friends said that i was raping him, but i didn't care. I eventually went into zero period P.E. so we could have another class togethe that was even better than taking his former P.E. class. One Saturday, I wasn't at my dad's so he took me ro our middle school football game. That was awesome. We stood and talked, he play teased me and then the game was over. I told him we should go to my sister's boyfriend's house to check up on her. When we got there and he had stayed a little longer than he was supposed to, so I walked him to the edge of the street and I hugged him and he kept yelling out his crazy sayings" I am bipantual" and "I have hair."

"I love you!" I screamed.

He rode off and i chased after him and started my way home when I got a text message:
I love you.


I went to school the next morning and found out terrible news which ruined the great day I had, had.Apparently he had tried to kiss me! I was completely unaware. Now I was worried. Would he try it again? How would I know? Would I just ignore it? I have never kissed anyone before, he had. Now I was begining to think he was a lttle ahead of me. But I wanted this to happen more than anything I wanted this to happen. But my confidence only would let me kiss him on the cheek at raretimes.


I knew then that I didn't deserve him. A few days later he brought me Gridely chocolate, I nearly cried. Could he be anymore perfect? He was all the happiness in my world. He was my world. Time andtime again he tried to kiss me, I turned it into a hug and walked away. One time I stayed after school even though I wasn't supposed to, but I wanted to stay with him a little longer. He was upset with me because I got in trouble, but I told him it was worth it. At that point i would do anything to spend more time with him. But then we began to distance. I could feel it. He wouldn't responded to my messages or my calls during thanksgiving break. When we came back it had been exactly four months since we got together. Unaware of this I am sure, after school he broke up with me, in the sweetest way he could. It took me a few days to actually realize he isn't mine. I couldn't say he was anymore, then the tears began to fall. More often then I have ever cried in my life I assure you. I was waiting impatiently for winter vacation to get away from him. The threeweeks seemed to drag on and on. Finally three weeks off, but the I realized its better to have him around then be without him entirely. So I suffered through. i became more , stable and more understanding, then I crashed again and that is where I am at now crashed, and stuck in a conner crying hay ho for him to come back to me.




______________________
Once contained
But now is lost
my heart melts away
like sun lit frost
I need the answers
to this complicated puzzle
no one here to turn to
no one here to help my trouble

___________________________



Sunday
1/27/08

I remeber something else I loved about him. He had the most interesting smell. Better then the smell of roses. I inhaled it every time we embraced. Even after the break up, he sat next to me still in history, I could smell the fragrance. It was always so sweet and inviting, but what could I do, lunge at him and embrace with him forever? Though that sounds like heaven for me, I am not so sure about him. He wont even talk to me much, maybe a sentence a week if I am lucky. "Your silence most offends me,"
Don Pedro ( Much Ado About Nothing)
William Shakespeare


The former enjoyment of those last four months haunt me in my dreams,
day and night.

As this feeling returns to me

All I can do is prepare

For this trouble that I have caused

Hoping my heart can bare.



True love only comes once

This may not be the one,

The feeling is too strong

The feeling is lasting more than expected

The feeling may serve me wrong.



Confused,

But when am not.

Hurt,

Which doesnt mean a lot.

Frustrated,

Because the world lies.

Alone,

Because the world dies.

Fear,

Of being wrong.

Hate,

Makes me feel strong.

Weak,

With my fear of speech.

Failure,

With goals I will never reach.





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This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

hfysty said...
Sept. 4, 2008 at 5:18 am
Kesla, you are truly amazing.
 
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