April 16, 2008
By Andrea Ballestero, Norman, OK

I don’t love you anymore
You hurt me like no one else does
Nothing is ever good enough
I hear that you brag to others about me, but you never give me a compliment
I can’t remember a time where I felt happy around you
Thinking of you causes me pain, and hatred.
I feel like you have abandoned me because no matter what, I am not good enough for you
I wish I could tell you all of this
But you tell me I am weak when I cry, you say I’m stupid if I “make a mistake” like ringing a doorbell or paying for sauce.
The stupidest things make you angry.
I don’t know what a good man is because you have not showed me what a good man is.
I want children no matter what I say
But I am so afraid of treating them like you treat me that I won’t let myself have kids
I can’t trust you or confide in you and it hurts
If you see me cry you tell me it’s stupid.
I’m not stupid
I don’t want to grow up and be like you.
You tell me to just take what you tell me.
You are teaching me to not speak my mind
To follow instructions.
You tell me that i am bad when I don’t do what you want
That you don’t need me
Telling me I have an attitude
What if I just want to live my life?
Am I allowed to have an opinion?
Why do I have to do things for you that are YOUR job??
I don’t want you to wake me up at 6am in the morning to take me someplace where they might ask you a question and you might need me to translate.
How come if I don’t know the translation of a word, you tell me you could have done it yourself. You say it millions of times.
Then why don’t you?
I fear you
You say respect is fear
It isn’t
I wake up every morning hoping I will not be late to school, not because you will “discipline” me, but because you will make me fear you….constantly bringing me down, making me feel inferior.
I am not inferior
I am better than you, and it hurts you
It hurts you that I have more opportunities than you
You don’t know what being proud is, or being happy for someone else because something good happened to them
What you know is jealousy
It consumed you when for my birthday I got a computer, and you were wanting one….you yelled at me when we got home, because I obviously ruined yours.
You are a monster, you are the monster of all my problems.
Whenever I find out and issue about myself, it comes back to you.
I feel down everytime we talk.
I have figured out that we can’t spend an hour around eachother without you hurting my feelings.
You keep saying you make me tough if you give me “tough love”
I just want love, please.
I am afraid of drowning in water
But more afraid of drowning with my hateful emotions.
I hate that I feel like I need your approval
I wish you where less than a stranger to me, a nobody in the streets that says something rude but I can’t even hear him, so I keep going with my life.
I don’t want you to buy me things because you feel bad on how you treated me.
I don’t want you to buy my affection, you can’t
I can’t feel greateful when someone gives me a gift, because everytime I used to get presents, it was from you, “saying sorry”
I remember the old days whenever I was a little kid and breaking an old phone meant “discipline”
I remember everything, but I don’t want to remember it
I try to remember good times about my childhood
How about the time I was 5 and you told me I couldn’t let my moms family in the house, to use a phone?
Because it’s your money being spent
You took me out for a ride in the car. And asked me who used the phone at the house.
Wanting me to betray my own family, but if I didn’t my mom would “hurt” and I would be left in the streets
How I asked you “why don’t you go inside in grandmas house?” and you said just because.
Later I find out it’s because you feel like they are filthy, as noone who earns as much as you has the priviledge to have you at their house.
How about the school nights where I would wake up at 1am in the morning, and mom yelled at you about the strange stain on your collar.
Do you remember when you asked mom for help because something was too heavy for you, a white matress…you couldn’t get it in the room so you got angry. Grabbed mom by the neck and once she broke off you threw eachother knifes.
I don’t want you in my life.
You are the reason for my unhappiness
My pains
My bad memories
It all comes down to you
I don’t love you anymore

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