Knew it would happen, but never like this. I knew one day my mother would come crying saying it had happened. I didn’t know she would come crying right before an important game, saying we had to leave, now! I knew I would think about her the entire trip to the hospital, I didn’t know the trip would take two hours long. I knew her body would be in the room, I didn’t know it would leave me dry-eyed. I knew I would want to look at her, I didn’t know I would stare. I knew I would cry. I didn’t know that the only reason I cried was from watching my family bawl. I thought I would be able to believe she was dead, I didn’t know that after four days I’d still think she were alive, even after I saw her body laying there motionless. I knew I would remember that day forever, I didn’t know I would dream of it. I knew my grandmother and everyone else would say, “She’s in a better place now,” I didn’t know I would say, “I know.” I didn’t know how strong I was, or maybe blind. Why had it not hit me? Why couldn’t I get it? Why are tears running down my face as I write this, although I feel nothing inside? Am I really that cold-hearted? Does she not mean anything to me? I honestly knew it would happen, but NEVER…EVER…like this.
April 9, 2008