i've sealed my sanity away

April 18, 2011
Dear mom

I’m fine. Really fine. I’m not running away to California to peruse a dream I never had of being an actress, and I did not commit a crime. It’s okay. Breath. I’m so sorry about this but I had no other choice. Therapy just wasn’t working. It did for a little while, at least when I didn’t have to talk about why I was there. Don’t be mad at Nick, he was just helping me escape. Don’t punish him; I swear he had nothing to do with it. I devised this plan all by myself.

I’m at Leah’s house. Her mom said it was okay if I lived there till I got my head clear. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Depression, bulimia, drugs, etc. But you have to know I didn’t do those things out of hate to you. High school is hard mom, really hard. You just never seemed to understand though. Not once did you ever ask me what I wanted. All I wanted was a mom I could talk to, cry to, and laugh to. But as I’m sitting here typing this I’m starting to think maybe you wanted the same thing. When you read this please don’t come after me because I won’t go with you. You can scream and holler all you want but I will refuse to go. I need to do this for me. I need to get myself straightened out so I can be a perfect daughter again. So we can be happy again. You know what they say “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I really hope that’s true. I will come back mom, I swear. But as of right now I need to leave. This thing with you and dad ‘separating’ is really putting me over the edge. Until you figure out what is going on between you two I need to leave. I love you, just know that. You can call me if you want after you read this. Maybe you won’t want to. I’ll understand. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t say this to your face. I’m too much of a coward because I’m so afraid that you will be ashamed of me. That’s the last thing I want. But I felt like if I just left without saying anything to you that would be much worse. Please don’t hate me. I’m trying to do what I think is right. And this feels right. I hope you can see why I’m doing this. I love you so much.


Love always,
Paz





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