It’s been difficult for me to admit that maybe I don’t feel the way other people do. I’m too sensitive but too brash and it’s an odd combination but I either hold people too close or I push them away. I’ve lost many people in my life and I don’t know how to make them stay. I cry too much. I’m too defensive. I can be tough but being tough has gotten me nowhere. I keep things to myself. I don’t always say what’s wrong with me. I hate pity. And yet I desperately want to tell someone half the time. I try hard and somehow I never seem to succeed the way I think I deserve. I know I’m smart, but it doesn’t show and I feel inadequate, surrounded by people who took opportunities I should have taken but didn’t and those who are just too smart and make me feel unintelligent. I’m competitive by nature and I feel like I haven’t been pushing myself hard enough. I feel empty, lost, almost. I’ve lost my edge. I have all of these ideas and things that I want to do, but I don’t know where to begin. I should have volunteered where I wanted to, I should have tried out for basketball when I had the chance. I should have gone to camp; I should have gone to the marine biology program at SeaWorld. I should have studied harder; I should have acted like I cared. I screwed up and I’m completely aware of that, but I still think I deserve the best. My life has not exactly been easy, and I’m not using that as an excuse, but as the type of person who feels things deeply, sometimes too deeply, the outside factors of my life had a huge impact on my performance all throughout high school, as insignificant I made them seem and no matter how hard I tried to ignore them. Because the thing is, I did care; I do care. So I don’t have straight A’s, but what I learned, I still remember. Just because I didn’t get an A in a class doesn’t mean I didn’t learn anything. I still gained knowledge and I tried. Of course, there were times I could have tried harder, but there is nothing I can do about that now. I just have to accept what I’ve done and only hope to try harder. I still have one year left to do this right; to prove to people that I know what I’m doing and that I’m capable of handling college and doing the work to the best of my ability. I still have one year left to prove myself because while I know I’m smart and I know I can do this, I don’t think anybody else believes in me. They say they do because they have to, but I think that deep down, they don’t actually think I’m capable of really succeeding. My best friend says he believes in me and I think he’s honestly the only person I believe. It’s why I need him. I need someone that truly believes in me and isn’t disappointed in me, because while I know my family doesn’t say it, they’re really disappointed in me because of all the things I didn’t do or didn’t do well. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I know I can do this. I have to prove them wrong. I have to. I can’t fail. My biggest fear is that I’ll fail completely. I can’t let myself fail.
I Can't Let Myself Fail
December 31, 2007