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The Time of Me!

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In my world things always went from bad to worse. Now they seem to get better in time. Time seems to catch up with itself! Also we look towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Something’s not right though, things are never as they seem. They arrive one after the other and one after the other they leave. There’s never enough time to get to know things about each other, until we see them together. By that time we ourselves have even changes. Our time turns into their time, while we look for a way out of the prison we once called home. Home is nothing but a house to us, a roof to sit under and people to talk to.

We look for a way to escape when we have no place to go, no place to call home. We search for someone who will care. A hand to hold, and a person to call friend. When it comes to me I look for a companion someone to call my own. Someone who is there and always makes me happy. Who is sweet and honest with good intensions. Things were never this way before because I didn’t care about how people felt, only what I thought. Things here at this place are like walking through my life again, people lying, cheating, stealing, and making me feel like the one that’s wrong. Though at the same time it reminds me of what family really means.

People who look out for each other through the bad times. Look for the good in others but still focus on the bad. This for me is like heaven being in a place where people are around, where I can be myself. Not just a model of my fathers’ plan. I never noticed before that this was what I wanted all along, somewhere I could call home, even if it is just for a little bit of time. When it comes to the end of it all I leave this place knowing I have someone who cares for me, and not just what I pretend to be. Looking for a home a place to live for so long has made me tired and weary of everything and everyone. No matter how long I try I still only have one more chance to make things right in my life, and I’m not going to miss that now.

There are so many things that I can’t explain, the way I feel. I try to be as open as I can, but that’s very hard to do for me. Knowing that every person in my life has lied to me again and again. Being the victim of abuse and subjected to many things. When it comes to me things were never an easy road, and I always had other things to do. So I only give the things I can like losing a friend, and being real about the life that I’ve lived for so long. I finally gave me a chance to show others they can make it through, they can be themselves even now when it all seems bad. Some things take me back to what I had when I first came here.

At night things make it hard to sleep, some days I don’t even want to eat anything. I always look for another way out, but most of the time I don’t find one. This makes it hard to be the person I am. Though I will keep going and try to do whatever I can to get what I need. Hoping my friends still hold me in their hearts as I hold them so close to mine. I want nothing else but to be around them like I was before. Things are never going to be the same as even I have changed. Some of the changing I’ve gone through have been done without my knowledge. Things inside my heart have changed so much, little by little and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to stop it. Again I am stuck trying to find myself as I have been so long ago. Like every time I get close I am then once again so far away.

These things that make it hard for me to get where I should be, I can’t let them win. If I stop that means I’m a quieter and once a quieter always a quieter. Like my grandpa said; “Keep fighting even when no one believes you can make it through!” I hold that to a standard as the one thing that keeps me from stopping. Always looking for a way to show others what they really mean to me. Others make me seem so small, still I show nothing. Like a wall of ice around my heart that never seems to go away. After all of this I still can’t trust others, because it hurts me too much to trust in someone who will only be there for a little time then be gone. It’s not like it really makes a difference anymore, at the end of every tunnel I go through someone always leaves me. Again and again people have used me and never do I want it again!

All I ever thought was that the things I had were never what made me a friend to people, but now I’m starting to realize that’s the one thing that people saw in me most. The standing I had, not the person that I really was inside. I always took the things they said to heart and every story they told me I believed and in the end I am the one hurting. While they are always so fine with their lives, holding no regret for what they’ve done. Causing a heart to hurt and have nothing there to help it heal. I don’t want this to make me heartless like I was before. I am still not who I want to be, I always seem to fall short of a goal. Nothing is the same after a fall that hard, from top to bottom even your heart breaks when you fall that far. I thought it was going to be better but things just keep getting worse, things keep going wrong. After all that I still wish for things to get better. Most of the time they don’t what is faith without something to be faithful to? it’s just a ploy a way to get people to feel better. Well for me it doesn’t work, and I still feel the same way I did before.

When it comes to the way I feel I want nothing else but to make it go away.





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