Dear you,


I can’t help but notice you. You’re always there. I can’t escape you. Sometimes I wish I could. I want to be there for you, but I can’t. It’s not that I don’t have time, or can’t handle only being your friend. I feel like I’m not allowed to. You have someone who’s supposed to do that for you. It’s her job. She’s supposed to be there for you when you need a shoulder to lean on, to help you relieve all your stress – to keep you happy. But she’s not doing that for you, is she? I can see it. You had a glimpse of it the other night. Why won’t you accept it and move on?

In a way I envy your contentedness with her. I know that when I have been in a relationship I found myself always wanting more. I am happy for you to have found someone who you can enjoy spending time with, but I’m jealous of her. I will plainly admit that. I envy her when she gets to hold your hand or when you come up and hug her. But I do see a lack of affection, and that frustrates me because I know I would give you more. I believe you are, like me, a truly affectionate person. She’s not. She’s not like us. We’re so much alike, you and I. We understand each other. We know what the other one is feeling and when one of us needs a hug. I cherish our hugs.

There are times when even just sitting across from you at the dinner table I long to reach out and touch you. I want to place my hand on your cheek and say “I love you.” I long to hear you say those words back to me; kiss me on the forehead and say “I love you too.” I just want to hold your hand – hold you as if I’ll never let go. I want you to engulf me in your arms and smother me with security and reassurance.

I just wish I was allowed to show my feelings. There’s nothing preventing me from being your friend like I am. But that’s just it: “Like I am.” I want to be more to you than I am now. I could be more to you. But I need you to realize it first. I have a feeling that even if you weren’t with her, if I were the one to admit my feelings first I would always wonder whether or not you truly feel the same way, with the same depth as I do. That’s just my insecurity. I hate myself for it, and I need someone to be there to assure me that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

I can see myself with you. I can imagine it vividly. It’s heavenly blissful despite its small doses of the reality of our everyday lives. We would fit perfectly together, you and I. I hope that someday you will see me in the same light I see you, and the thought of being with me will light up your heart with joy and love. Until that day, I don’t know what to do. I spend time with my other friends so that I’m not tempted by you, and yet I still grab at any opportunity to spend time with you alone. I am my own worst enemy in this situation. I will probably make myself miserable trying to keep my feelings to myself while still trying to be your friend. This is my true test of character, this situation. I hope that when my feelings are finally revealed, you will understand how much agonizing patience it took for me to wait.

With the sincerest friendship and love,
Me.