I Love Pie

February 22, 2008
I love pie. I love every kind of pie, except coconut-custard pie. I know I don't like coconut-custard pie because I asked for it for my birthday. I should have asked for cake.
Pie is my favorite thing to eat. There's no scooping laboriously at the bottom of a dish for it, sweating over crumbs you've quilted over your lap. First of all, there's the simple mixing and baking of ingredients. The best part of this plesant step is stirring the dry substances in with the liquids. It's watching what used to be a fat stick of butter looking forlorn, partly dusted with flour like a child at the beach, become a savory bowl of filling. After being stirred, it becomes even and looks at you, like a rich lady posing for a portrait. Now it must go into the crust, a yawning mouth waiting to be filled. At the moment, your pie smells a little bit like leftovers but as soon as it's in the oven, the house fills with, well, joy. The fragrance of baking pie is one of those things you remember from childhood, one of those things that should be made into an air freshener, one of those things Home and Garden tells you to do when you're selling your house.
And then there's eating it. This is a precise procedure that takes years of sweat and blood to master. Of course, there are many different ways to eat a slice of heaven, but I'll give you a little step-by-step to get you going. Your generous portion of pie is completely smothered in whipped cream. The fork you are clutching eagerly is in your hand like a weapon. And you should be full from dinner. You should be cheating a diet. You should not be eating this pie.
Now that you are ready, start at the tip. Generations of pie eaters have started out at the tip, and you are not a pie revolutionary. Take the smallest triangle you can manage and raise it slowly to your mouth. It is necessary that when you have taken in this bite of edible glory you not just gulp it down like a pair of thin lips and some hot soup! Spread it around in there; let the very taste of this pie seduce you. After the first bite it's time to stop torturing yourself and indulge. Devour your fraction with vengeance, with rage. This is a time to rejoice and celebrate! It is not mandatory to eat the crust if it's badly made.
I love pie. I steal it; I eat large quantities of it; I am Cookie Monster for pie. I'm like those people you see at concerts, grabbing their hair and screaming and crying, and on the stage is pie.
Pie is delicious.

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