Ah, Homecoming…

November 7, 2007
By Creighton bayer, Stafford, VA

Music’s pumping, people dancing all around you. You can’t even breathe in this swarming mass of people. You see a couple of familiar faces, and you try to make your way to them. All of a sudden, your date finds you, and you two pick up where you left off, before you went to go get some water due to the intense heat of the room. If this sounds familiar, then you must have attended a high school dance sometime in your life. I decided to inform you on how to survive the danger, I mean, incredibly fun atmosphere of homecoming.
Do you understand the importance of this dance? Homecoming is a dance insofar as all of the things surrounding it. The dance, it’s like a fall prom. Now, I know that sounds kind of weird, considering that prom is supposedly for juniors and seniors, but homecoming is basically the same thing. It consists of getting dressed up, dancing, and having a nervous breakdown, cough, I mean good time. That’s as far as I’ve known it to be done. Some people I know, mainly girls, find it as an excuse to get some “super cute” shoes and an “adorable” dress, much like the one they’re going to wear for their wedding or as a bridesmaid at someone else’s wedding, to wear only once for a single time. Kind of like a Christmas tree, good for a little while, then afterwards, left high and dry. Some other people I know, mainly guys, see it as a chance to go out with a “mega hot” chick or a super-fly “shawty”, or whatever the heck girls are called nowadays. They get to see the girl get all dressed up for them, (though the girl, like I said, gets more dressed up for herself, so she can show off her cute shoes and adorable little dress). They get to eat with her, ride around with her, dance with her, show her off to their guy friends, and if they get lucky, maybe get a little “nooky” before the night is over.
So what is homecoming, at the root of it all? It’s the awkwardness of asking a certain someone to the dance. It’s the right dress that doesn’t make you look fat. Finding the most fashionable and right tie, one that isn’t too flashy and still makes you look good. And of course, how you get there, what you eat, if you go with another group where you’re going to meet up at, the smile for your pictures. Also, let’s not forget, what you are going to do after the dance, how and when you and your friends get home, and last but not least, what to do when you get home.

Both times I’ve attended homecoming the people I’ve asked to the dance have said yes. Also, as far as dresses go, I look fat in just about all of them. If you’re a guy, you know about the pressures of finding just the right tie for your outfit. Thankfully, I have my father. The right tie goes with the right shirt, and since my father is a businessman, he knows pretty well which shirt will work just right with that, let’s say, lime green tie of mine. It comes in handy when you want to look good for your date. I mean real good. The kind of good looking when you tell everyone to come and see how good you look. That kind of good looking. So if you have no idea how to dress yourself (God help you if you don’t) then ask a father, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, heck, guys, even your mom.
Somebody will be able to help you with your look. Don’t try to go for a model kind of look either. Who do you think you are, Brad Pitt? Not unless your date is or at least looks like Angeline Jolie, then I guess that’s acceptable. If not, then look like yourself, and you’ll be just fine. But please, if you have any trouble, and this information applies to both sexes, ask for some help. I’m sure your relatives or family or even your friends would love to help. It’s always nice to get a second opinion on the way you look.
At the last two dances, I had the pleasure of having a chauffeur (cough, my mom, cough). And as far as eating goes, there’s always McDonald’s. Just kidding; make a reservation as soon as you get a date at a nice restaurant that’s in your price range. Getting a reservation at the upscale restaurant where you live will empty your wallet out faster than my ex-girlfriend (trust me, she loved to go shopping). Besides, who do you think you are, Donald Trump? Chili’s or Outback, or even Ruby Tuesday’s are perfectly fine restaurants where you can have a nice meal and still have some money left in your wallet.

If you want to meet up with another group, rent a limo and spend the whole night together in that thing. It’s a bonus if it has a sunroof. At least with me, cause I like sticking my upper body through there and waving my hands around. But that’s just me.
For your pictures, well, you’re not Julia Roberts, so don’t smile too big. You don’t have a 40,000 mega-watt smile like her, so don’t even think about trying to smile like her. You won’t be able to pull it off. And don’t do the whole, “I don’t want to smile, I want to get this over with, so stop staring at me and trying to make me smile mom.” Just try to look like you are enjoying yourself. If not, imagine whoever’s taking the picture is an incredibly obese sumo wrestler wearing yellow spandex and yelling “who is your mommy?” at you. The goofiness of it would make anyone laugh. Think of something funny and something that makes you smile, and see if you can get as close to a celebrity smile as your mouth, teeth, and lips will allow.
After the dance, I like to go to I.H.O.P. (for those of you that don’t know, it’s the International House of Pancakes). It’s breakfast, 24 hours a day. Bring your date out for two meals in one night. Besides, the coffee and apple juice should keep you perked up with enough caffeine to get you home at 3 in the morning.
Also, make sure all your friends get home safely, or at the very least, home. The last thing you want to do is get a call on your cell phone from your best friend, the poor schmuck who is now hitch-hiking his way home. If you have to, carpool, or, rent a limo like I said before. Since underage drivers have curfews, you’ve got to make a decision. So if you have a dance going on till 12 o’clock at night, and your curfew is 11 o’clock, you’re going home early. Either have a nice time and call it an early night, or get the rest of the night to dance in handcuffs or with your cellmates. I’m pretty sure the last thing your date wants to do is see who the desk sergeant is at the sheriff’s office.
Do you understand the importance of this dance now? It’s kind of a big deal. I mean everyone gets to go to it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go to it. It’s quite a lovely dance, and by all means, go and attend it. If you want to, use the guidelines above to survive the dance, or, if you really want to, don’t use them. Have a completely forgettable night. Really, when you’re 80, you won’t remember a single thing from homecoming anyway. So enjoy it. Embrace it. It’s a dance, so go out there and shuffle your feet, catch the beat, and shake a little to the left, then a little to the right. And don’t worry about the little things. Do what you want, it’s your night.

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