The Classic Pat-Down This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

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Remember when you could bring a pen onto an airplane without being tazered? Or when you could bring a Coke onto you flight without Paul Naive driving through the airport, in one of those security golf carts, yelling "the middle easterners are coming!"? Well, now being tazered in an airport is the least of your worries, well, unless you are a nudist. Recently, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has introduced a new revolutionary idea in airport security. One that puts those "random pat downs" to bed, because with this new idea, the TSA can see right through you, literally! All over the country, TSA is using full body image devices to look through people's clothes for weapons or explosives. Some might think that this idea is great; it's making our airports safer for the common man. However, there is another thing that it is doing, and that is violating people's private, well, parts! The machine glares right through people's clothes, exposing their sweet nothings to the one lucky TSA agent responsible for watching the parade of naked people, and getting paid to do it!
There is another option, however, if you prefer not to become an adult film star just yet. The second option consists of an intensive pat down by TSA personnel. They check everywhere; they look in every nook and cranny of your body. They feel your legs, breasts, chests, arms, stomachs, buttocks, and, yes, even your no-no-zone. Many people find this disturbing display of creepy safety even more dreadful than having someone see them nude. After all, at least only one person is seeing you nude, as opposed to one person feeling you up, and you having to resist the urge to slap them and blow your whistle harder than a crooked ref after the opposing team scores.
These detailed pat downs and X-ray machines that are the envy of fourteen-year-old boys everywhere don't really do much more than the old system. These two methods don't do squat for those terrorists who hide their explosives inside of their body cavities.





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