Movie Watching Etiquette

December 4, 2010
By fritoz BRONZE, Phoenix, Arizona
fritoz BRONZE, Phoenix, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -Aristotle

As a frequent movie watcher, I am severely concerned for the safety, health, and well-being of my fellow cinema-scopers. There are atrocities that occur in the movie theater that no movie goers should be exposed to, but I have sadly endured them all. This guide is a friendly warning to all moviegoers that exhibit these kinds of unruly behaviors. This guide may not cover all of the worst traits of movie viewers but it does go over their most grotesque customs. Outrageous movie watching etiquette is a serious disorder and should be taken seriously. There is still no known cure for this disorder but, we can raise awareness. Certainly, this guide will assist you in your ability to identify the five most crucial offenders; so that you will be able to adapt comfortably to any sort of situation.
The first offender on the list is Sir-Piss-A-lot. Envision that you are sitting in the movie theater minding your business, grubbin’ on your food silently and awaiting for the lights to dim and the movie to begin. You take a look around viewing your surroundings like all cautious movie viewers should, because you know of the crazies that may be in close vicinity. Then using your peripheral vision you see a figure appear; there is some type of human being sitting two seats away with what seems to be a buffet in his lap (this kind of person is usually a man, one can spot this kind quickly) and you know that this man is going to get on your nerves and there are going to be some serious repercussions if he dares to do anything to aggravate you. You are sitting in the chair closest to the stairs and this beast is in the middle. He sits there and devours his food viciously, kind of like feeding time at the zoo. Before the movie is even set in motion he’s nearly finished with his feast. He takes a break from a meal that would suffice to feed the whole malnourished world. The beast sits in his chair uncomfortably, thinking that he will be capable of watching the entire movie without getting up to take a tinkle. This man is mistaken. Sir Piss-A-lot gets up from his chair at least 6.5 times and I add the .5 because, at some point of the movie I truly believe he wet himself (it was an exciting part in the movie, I don’t blame him).

Then there are the psychics. They’re also known as the clairvoyants; they are the people who see all. These self-proclaimed “psychics” deem it necessary to announce what is going to happen next in the film. There are two variations of clairvoyants: the ones who can recite all the lines or who know what is about to occur (they’ve seen the movie previously) and the ones who think they know what is going to happen. Either way, they’re equally annoying.
“NOOO, DON’T GO IN THERE YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!” (This is my favorite outburst and it’s the most notorious).
After an unneeded outburst like such they get a cheesy smile on their faces and feel superior, as if they saved us from the worst. People who do this should not be welcomed into the movie theater.
Have you ever witnessed two monkeys in a fracas? You know, moving rambunctiously up and down, pulling their tiny hairs out like little Einstein’s due to something as minuscule as someone getting hurt? Well if not, let me enlighten you and bring about our next offenders of movie watching etiquette. We have all heard them, not knowing who they are, or where they come from, but we have heard their crude shriek. “The Cacklers” are the most frightful individuals of all because, if you have not been familiarized with one you are in for disturbing eye-opener. This nature of shriek, if not heard or witness before hand can lead a person into a coma. Luckily, for several people, they are giving a substantial warning because they are tragically related to someone who demonstrates this sort of lifestyle. If you have never encountered anyone who possesses these traits, heed this warning; as soon as a somewhat humorous moment appears on the screen beware of the “The Cacklers” for they’re usually at least three around, looking for a victim. The most hazardous cacklers are the ones who act as if they have just discovered the art of laughing and they feel that it is essential to share their findings with the rest of the world. Even after you believe these predators are done with their possessed laughs, they burst into an overly repugnant chuckle as if Jennifer Aniston’s “hysteric” line has immediately transformed their whole perspective on life.
Once you get used to “The Cacklers” there is a likelihood that you may be able to adjust or be a skilled enough movie spectator to ignore their very existence, but this can not be said for the “Obnoxious Ogres.” These fiends come from the depths of the jungle. They emerge in different shapes, sizes, and ages. This community does not discriminate; they hunt for the fragile, the weak, and the scared. These ogres feel as if they own the movie theaters. They put their crusty gremlin feet over the seat in front of them that is obviously occupied and they do not seem to have a care in the world. It is straight up disgusting; they need to at least obtain a tiny bit of decency for people and have a tad bit of class. It is understandable that their legs get restless and they need to lay them down some where but not where someone is sitting; the ogres do not comprehend this civility in the slightest manner. Also, they are infamous for their belated arrivals. These ogres come into the movie when everybody is settled and early, struggling to discover a vacant spot. Some have the audacity to walk around blatantly bumping into people without even an “excuse me.” They will never learn from their crude mannerism.
Finally, there are “The Nasties”. They never come to watch a movie; instead they pay at least twenty-dollars (without treats) to come and start playing tonsil-hockey. Can they not do their shenanigans in the privacy of their homes or in an enclosed room? Sorry, for the misunderstanding, yes it is dark in the theater and yes there is a group of people, but this is not mating zoo. They need to take their nastiness elsewhere, because no one should witness such a dreadful scene. It is inexcusable, just no.
Now, when you sit down and think you are safe watching a movie hopefully you’re able to remember the five movie offenders to stay away from. If you encounter people such as the ones that I explained, do the following steps, if possibly remove yourself from this environment because; it does not make enjoyable movie watching and if this cannot be done God help you.

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