At my high school we have a class called "Foundations of Leadership". It's not a bad class. Kinda fun, sometimes.
For people like me it can be less fun. Foundations is like a class where you talk about your feelings. Tell how your weekend went. Explain your home life (if you're comfortable of course). My home life is good. My friends.... My friends could be better.
Hey, I've posted before. Yea I'm that chick with the issues. My friendship with the boy from the band competition was healed. Well, it's healing. We are talking again so it's a good start right? I think so.
But, I have a friend here in my town, we were really close last year. And over the summer we kind of hung out a lot. As of about twenty minutes ago, I became public enemy number one to him. I don't even know what I'm doing to make him mad.
So this is how it is in foundations. If I were there right now I would probably asked to tell my feelings in either weather, or colors.
My color mood is definitely black, weather, pitch black sky with a chance of horrible storms. Shall I explain?
Well my best guy friend *** came over today to hang out and watch movies. I wrote on his facebook wall to tell him that we should hang out tomorrow again.
For which I was told that I should just stop hanging out with him so much until we were married. That I was a "Hoe" for talking to him. So I'm a hoe for talking to a friend great.
So let's slip back about two weeks rather than two minutes. Well the same friend that was telling me I was shouldn't hang out until we were married. Yeah he spent last week telling me I was just a nagging little b*****. That, that is all i would ever be.
Well that night. I felt numb, I wasn't happy or sad, angry or melancholy. I didn't feel anything. I craved feeling something. I took a shower, the only place in my home I willing to cry.
When I got out the lamp on my desk was warm. I starred a it for a while. Then I dried my hair like any other night while my flat iron warmed up.
I dropped my drier when I got done. I caught it with the hottest end on my wrist. I didn't feel it. Instead. I held it there until it was neutral. No pain. So I took it off and straightened my hair. I held that to my wrist when i got done. It was too hot, so I stopped. So I saw an opportunity in the lamp. I put one wrist on top and one on bottom.
So I've been burning. I wrote before about considering cutting. I never once cut. It took me a year before I could ever even think about truly hurting myself. Now a year later. I have bunt wrists and a hole in my chest.
In the end my foundations class involves a group of people I don't trust wanting to "know" what I feel like. But the problem is no matter who teaches it an who is in the class, I'm not gonna open up. The burns honestly help me close up more.
For the rest of the year I will be keeping my fake smile, and pretend I'm not sucked into a disease called self infliction. Who knows maybe occasionally the smile won't be fake. Maybe, I won't have to fake it by the end of the year.
So let's go with this. I'm gonna make a deal with myself. If I can try to get a the smile to be real, then maybe everything will get batter. Will it? Do you think?