What Makes Me Stronger

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Where have you gone? I miss you. You are lost whithin your rage. This is the time i need you the most,you should be here for me. I love you dad.
Its hard to rember a time when we were both happy. I search my memory like there is no tomarrow.
Was i ever truely a child? You ruined my childhood. I remeber crying to god asking to help us. I was scared for my life. I was scared for your life.
I remeber watching that cigaret falling to the floor and saw the flame uproar from the carpet. I tried to wake you up. You wouldn't stop screaming at me. What did i do? I apoligized. Was it realy my fault that i woke him up so the house wouldnt catch on fire? No, no it wasn't.
What about the times you would go in you room to get high and left me alone.
I lived for those quick two seconds you told me you loved me. I wanted to belive them. i forced myself to belive it. I loved the way you would smile or laugh with me. I felt complete. But as soon as those smiles came they left...
You would tell me everything was my fault. I was selfish. That i hated you. That i was killing you. Basicaly saying i hate you without using the word hate.
Maybe it is my fault. Is it selfish for wanting a dad? Some people dont evan have a family. Shouldn't i be greatful to have you evan though you abuse my heart?
I tell myself it will all get better in time. It will. It will.
Will it? Only time can anser it i guess. The only problem with that is im tierd of waiting.
I love you to much to loose you. But havnt i already lost you?
Im scared of things because of you. Im scared to be a mom because of you. What if i turn out as bad as a parent as you?
Evan though I wonder why things are like this im kind of glad it did. Because what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger, dad. Am i not strong enough though?
I'm tierd of you blaming me for your mistakes. You cant hurt me anymore. Im numb. Fourteen years is a long time. I should know.....





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