Lately I've felt confused. Nothing seems have been going right with in the last year. My family is still the same if you take in count the fact that we are in constant worry over wether or not my older brother will be deployed any time soon. My school life seems to be a step below the average teenage girl. Yeah, I have friends that I love that I know love me, but it seems like I lose a friend every week.
I'm a freshman, simply getting used to the flow of the big bad world of high school. It's nothing like the movies, no fights, way less drama, less hot guys. But it's still kind of scary.
My eighth grade year wasn't the best year to lead into high school with. Let's review, within the first two months of my eighth grade year I consider suicide twice and came close to attempting it once all because I let myself open up to a guy that tore me apart once he had my trust. He told me the world would have been better off without me ever being born. That I may as well have just gone and killed myself. I let myself believe that he was right and I was worth nothing.
Then around Thanksgiving my mom's stepmother died of a sudden heart attack. Her funeral was really hard. Seeing my cousins that I hadn't seen in years made it all seem more real. We went through the box of pictures that Mom's cousins had sent us at Christmas and cried together.
Easter was next to roll around. With the arrival of spring flowers in the outside world brought funeral flowers to the homes of my mourning family members as we learned the news that bone cancer had taken my Great Grandfathers life. He and I had actually been very close, seeing him sick made me pray to a God that I had lost faith in over the course of the year that he would just die so the pain would stop. When he did I couldn't handle saying goodbye.
My faith in God grew smaller and smaller. I told a couple of my friends that I was losing faith and they began building me back up. My best friend in my grade helped me get it back. Over the summer one of my friends that is a year younger than me continued helping me build a strong relationship with God and Jesus Christ.
A relationship that was shattered with one phone call before bed when I was at a volleyball camp. My friend that had been helping me get back up on my feet, my friend that had considered taking her life before and had used that to help me stand up again. She called me scared, in tears, she had no where else to turn.
"I flipped my car, T***** I'm scared," She said when I picked up. I franticly begged her to explain, "Look at my status on facebook, the last thing I remember is flipping, I-I-I blacked out, then there was water in my car, I was hanging upside down by my seat belt."
She continued to explain the extent of what happened while I ran back to my dorm and bawled. I thought back to the day she told me that she used to cut herself. The scars she had shown me. I remembered the night that she came to me for advice when her boyfriend of three months broke up with her and moved to Texas. She wanted to take pills, she wanted to ended it all for that one boy.
I helped her once. She has no doubt saved me so many times. And I've only helped her once.
The events of the year leading up to my high school career made me teach myself that crying is for the weak. That if I show emotion then it makes me worthless.
I entered high school with that mind set. I had a fairly decent year. Made it through homecoming with no drama. All of the right things started to seem to be falling in to the right places.
Then at our first competition I hung out with the guy that had made me smile, made me laugh, had been a shoulder to cry on. We had dated in the months before but broken up because his mom didn't like me. It was a good night. Before we parted ways I gave him one last hug and told him I'd missed him since last track season. He returned the gesture.
I got home that night around 4 in the morning feeling good about the bus ride home and decent about the competition.
The next morning my mom woke me up and I checked my facebook page before we went to lunch.
"OMFG T*****, you ruined the pic I took of him" was on the comments of a picture I had edited of the boy from the competition. A picture that happened out of boredom.
He told me later that night that he couldn't believe what I had done, that he never wanted to see me again. I was heart broken. Sent back to that place where I'd been last year. Thinking of what it would be like if I weren't here. What his life would have been like if we had never met.
I didn't cry, I didn't show anything. I told my friends. My parents are oblivious. That's how it will stay.
Can you see why I'm confused? Can you understand that I wish I knew what was running through his mind?
Maybe your someone like me. Someone who wants to know what it's like to live without the drama. Maybe you have a worse story then mine. I almost know that your stories could be worse.
Let's find out if the confusion and depression every changes.