No Happy Ending

July 28, 2010
You’re too young to be broken, way too young to leave this world. When your doctor hid your charts I dealt with it, but when he wouldn’t let me see you I nearly died myself. The second the speaker came on announcing a code blue. I knew it was you.
I hurled myself under, over and through people racing to your bedside, but they pushed me away. The tears ran down my face the whole way but the moment I saw them shock you I merely lost it. Even though I knew they were trying to save you it felt like they were hurting you. I shoved through all of them making it to you; “I love you.” I squeezed your hand once before they pulled me away from you again. Again they shocked you, again and again.
One of them declared the time and that was when I crumbled to my knees, I didn’t have any more strength left inside of me. You were gone, I’d never see you smile your crooked smile ever again or hear you tell me you love me more than the world or how you say the world holds no interest without me, how I was your life.
The nurses pulled me to my feet and I wiped my long brown hair out of my face, but it stuck to the tears. They pushed me into a chair next to your bedside, I looked at you and you stared back. Gently I pulled your eyelids down to cover your beautiful topaz irises. Even in death you looked just like an angel, it didn’t even matter if the bandages on your forehead were incrusted with blood. I grabbed your hand and gave it a final squeeze; I swear I heard your heart beat when I did that. “I love you so much, and nothing will ever change that. I can’t believe you’re gone, what do I do? I can’t live without you. No, no! Please, I love you too much to lose you, but I’ve lost you. No. You were the best man I could have ever have asked for and I love you so much. I never got a chance to tell you goodbye, to tell you how much I love you. I love you more than the universe, more than my own life and I’d do anything to get you back! I love you, and I’m sorry, goodbye.”
I could feel the heat draining from your fingers. I could hear the whispers from the nurses down the hall; they were talking about him being an organ donor. I nearly shrieked the words at them.
“How dare you! No, no, no, no! How could you ever even think about this beautiful angel like that, no! I love him! You can’t do that! I’ll kill you before I ever give you a chance to do that to him!” I buried my face in his chest, shielding him with my arms. I let the tears run, never bothering to stop. Even when his parents came I wouldn’t cease my protective stance over his body.
I just couldn’t stop crying and I cried harder as I felt your body’s warmth slip away. When it was time for the visitors at the hospital to leave I wouldn’t. I grasped at what was left of your shirt inhaling your sent to remember. They left us alone after that.
I fell asleep right there on your chest, but it wasn’t a restful sleep without the rising and falling of your breathing. I cried the whole night, never leaving your side.
Then when I woke up I spent the entire next day taking in your features and how flawless they were. The perfectly sculpted white plains of your chest, your long beautiful lashes that used to brush against your cheeks when you looked down into my eyes. Your gorgeous bronze hair that was always sticking out in every direction, the unblemished definition of your muscles hidden under the thin membrane of your skin. The perfect symmetrical shape of your face, your attractive full lips. I’d always look plain next to you even in your worst state-even though you’d swear I was the most beautiful person in the world-you owned the beauty of a god.
I sat next to you in till sunset; your body was icy when my father tugged me away. “I love you forever, never forget that.” I whispered into your ear. I hesitated in the doorway; I wanted to stay by your side forever even though I knew it wasn’t possible now.
My father let go of me and I ran over to you and kissed you, that was when I felt your spirit slip through my fingers and out of your body.
I walked backward towards the door, but then I was frozen in my tracks. I saw you standing in front of me, you began walking towards me. I didn’t make any move to pull away from you as you hugged me, tears broke out and I could barely comprehend what I was seeing. You took a couple of steps back still rubbing my hand soothingly. “I love you too, forever. I’ll never forget you, don’t forget me,” he whispered. “Never. I love you so much.” I told him back. He looked like he was going to cry when he shook his head and said. “I’ll miss you.” He let go of my hand. I could barely speak but I mustered out. “I’ll miss you forever.” A tear drifted out of his eye. “Remember our song, Misguided Ghosts. I love you, goodbye.”
My knees gave out and I crumpled to the floor, he reached his hand out like he was going to help me, I could tell he wanted to but he didn’t and the tears ran from his eyes like river. “No, please! I love you, don’t leave me! I’d do anything for you, to be with you! I love you.” His ghost was fading away and the last thing he said was. “I know.” I could hear the despair in his voice even though he was smiling as he said it.
Then I was alone in the room with my lover’s corpse. “No, no! Come back, please!” My father was at my side at that instant.
He lead me out of the hospital only pausing to receive a box full of my lover’s clothes, the watch I’d given him for his 24th birthday and the remnants of his pockets.
He handed it to me as he sat me in the car and clutched it as tightly as I could manage.
As he drove I thought about the most beautiful date my lover had ever taken my on 2 days ago, it was the best night out I could have ever imagined only to have it cut short.
He was too young to have had his life taken away from him.
My father dropped me off at our apartment on his way home.
The minute I opened the door the pictures of him welcomed me. I dropped the box in the door way as I took the closest picture of him and held it to my chest. I stood there a long time, remembering his smile, his sent, what he looked like, and all the times he told me he loved me. Most importantly I remembered his ghost reassuring me everything I already knew. That he loved me, the he would miss me, that he still remembered our song, and that he’d never forget me. I set the picture of him down and took the box into our bedroom still absorbed in the memories of him.
As I rummaged through it I placed his clothing in airtight bags, I never wanted to lose his sent. His shoes got put in a box and shoved into the back of the closet. Once I had his watch safely stashed away I reached for the last thing in the box, his hanker chief.
When I pulled it out of the box a smaller black velvet box fell to my feet. I got on my knees and took it in my hands as I had a realization. I lifted the lid up slowly, then a small blue piece of paper drifted out of it. I began to cry hysterically as I read the words aloud. Will you marry me?
I whimpered yes over and over as I slid the ring onto my finger, a perfect fit. The diamond was huge with smaller diamonds more intricately set between the silver that laced around them. The inside of the band quoted him.
Our Love is Immortal
He was right, and he truly did love me and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t find the right words to say.

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amicrazyorisitjusteveryoneelse said...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 11:56 pm
Oh my god.... this is impossibly sad, it made me cry... I'm so so so so so so sorry.  I know exactly how you feel, not in the same way exactly, because I'm a guy, but I know how you feel.  My girlfriend killed herself and I still can't let go... Don't let go of him, never, he really loved you and you should never forget that.  That and don't do something stupid like I would have done, like cutting yourself or something like that, it only leaves scars.  I can really relate to ... (more »)
amicrazyorisitjusteveryoneelse replied...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 11:57 pm
I had a ring for her too... Still have it actually.  Again I'm sorry...
McKenna replied...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 7:08 pm
I put this under nonfiction because it can happen. This happened to me in a dream and i woke up crying. You don't have to say sorry. But i am sorry to hear about your girlfriend. My boyfriend was killed in a car accident in Norway last week. He was in a come and they pulled the plug yesterday. I can relate.
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