I have to admit that if you asked me 6 years ago I would have laughed if you told me that I am a teen who self injures. I wouldn't understand how I could hurt myself. Hurt myself? Why would I do that? How would I able to take a blade to my wrist and draw my own blood? I would wince in pain from a paper cut. So how could I cut myself with a blade? And for a fact I know adults now who can't grasp that concept. They see my scars on my wrist and look at me like a different person. Am I? Am I a different person? No, I would just say I am a teen who has gone through a lot. All I wanted was someone to be there. But instead I was left alone to take that blade because no one was there. All I felt like was a story that was untitled. Alone, with no name. And the only way to handle it through my eyes was to leave the scars that remind me everyday of what I have done. "Only one cut will be enough", but it's hard to resist when your alone. Truthfully, I don't even think I have really accepted it. I guess if you asked I would say that I felt alone, and didn't have anyone to reach out to before it was too late. And if you told me 6 years ago that in the year of 2008 the memory of my step father sexually abusing me when I was 5 would comeback and hit me in the mouth. Would I have laughed, or pushed the thought back into my mind like I had for 10 years? I don't know. But I know for a fact that it has. Is that why i had taken that blade to my wrist and taken that pain and shame on myself? That guilt? I guess you could say that. And now that he is saying he doesn't remember kills me inside. So now I am sitting in this house alone, my stepfather not talking to me, my mother confused of what step to take next, teachers concerned, counselors watching my every move. My life seems to be spinning in a downward spiral. What am I to do next I ask myself. So now I am writing this putting my trials into words, maybe someday someone would understand it. Maybe if they read these words they would understand what I had gone through and stop judging. Being rejected my whole life I have longed for someone to understand, maybe by reading this understanding my story and what I am going through. What I have gone through. What's to come next? I could look you square in the eyes and tell you, "I don't know." So now I am sitting here, wondering what is to come next. Because I know it's not going to end like the movies where the the characters rides off into the sunset. I know it won't end that way. I know that things will get tough, things will change, and I will have to go through things that will be hard before it will get better. I'm not riding into the sunset, but man am I looking to the future..to that future sunset.
That Future Sunset
April 29, 2008