Matters of the Heart

April 28, 2008
What do you do when someone likes you a lot but you are in love with someone else? That is the question that keeps running through my head when ever I see or talk to him. Every time I see him I feel like I'm a really horrible, terrible person and I don't deserve to talk or be near anyone.
Everything started after the break-up with my boyfriend. The day after the forced break-up I went out of town with the AFJROTC to Altus air force base. Everything started out just fine until we were about ten thousand feet in the plane. A few minutes after we had reached our desired altitude, the guy sitting next to me, unexpectantly grabs my hand. He continues to do this the entire time we were in the air.
This guy is sweet, respectful, and cares about whoever he is friends with. I had told that morning about the break-up, and he made sure I didn't think about it, but I never thought that he would ask me out the Friday before spring break or at all really. As we start our decent, he turns to me and asks if I would be his girlfriend. I was still upset about everything else and I told him yes. I know why I did said it and I regret it so much because I think that I rushed my decision and didn't think about the events that it set in place.
After I got home that night I was surprised to find that my "ex" had sent me a message on myspace. As I read through it I became aware that my best friend had told him about what happened at Altus. I was furious, not at her but at him, he thought that I had lied about my reason for breaking up with him. I tried to explain what happened but I couldn't because I didn't even know what I was doing. We fought the rest of the night until my dad intervened and made block him from my friends. I spent the rest of the night crying because the guy that I loved hated me, or so I thought.
Over the next couple of days I went to a friends house, fortunately it was mine and his friend. While we were both there at her house, we started talking about the last week's events, a subject that I tried to avoid without success. After a few hours we had everything worked out and I realized that he did still love me. I knew I had to choose between the old guy and the new guy, I couldn't. I was torn into pieces, my heart wanted the old guy, but my head wanted the new one. So I talked to each guy about it, and they both said the same thing, follow your heart. So I did what I had to.
I hated to go through this again. I mean I hate break ups, I hate hurting people. I knew that I had to do it, I had to break up with the guy that held me together while I tried to sort this out. I tried putting it off, but I couldn't. One reason was because the guy I loved was about to walk out of my life and I knew I wouldn't be able to live with my self if he did. So I what I had to. So that night, while I was on the phone with Gabino, I told him that I had made my decision. I had decided to get back together with Brian. As we talked I started to notice the growing anger in Gabino's voice. I don't know why he was upset with me. Maybe I'll never know, but what I do know is that I hurt and possibly lost one of my friends that night.
The next week was the worst. Everytime I saw him, I felt the anger radiating from him. So in second period, I texted him to find out why he was mad at me. According to him, he wasn't mad at me but at Brian. I told that it was better if we just friends and that I was sorry for everything that happened between us. After that everything was okay, until he decided to try to take me back.
It was second period when it all started. Gabino was sitting next to me, while Brian sat in front of me. Gabino turns to me and starts saying that Brian treats me like I'm nothing to him, like I'm no better than the ground he walks on. In my head all I can see is a guy that wold rather talk about my boyfriend and not see how it really effects me. After school that day I sat down and talked to him about everything he said, and told what really happens between Brian and me. Then he starts sounding like my dad and that ticked me off. I was going to say," It's my life and I'll date whom ever I want! Why can't you see that I'm happy with him?", but I couldn't. So I let it slide.
I don't know what the future holds for Brian and me, but I do know that I'm not going to let anyone, not my dad, sister, or even a friend, tear us apart. The heart knows what it wants, and I have to listen to it or be miserable.

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