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How to Procrastinate in 3 Easy Steps

The art of procrastination is an ancient and sometimes dangerous practice. However, through much studying and application of the subject, I have become quite the expert. I have broken this art form down into three easy steps to help aspiring procrastinators learn how to do so effectively.

Step 1: Receive an assignment. Procrastination is usually easier with a seemingly lengthy one. Such assignments can include, but are not limited to, lab reports, reading assignments, mowing the lawn, planning an eagle project, or preparing summer journals. Procrastination is also possible with lesser assignments, but step one is to convince yourself that the assignment is overwhelming and you just need time to relax before you get going on it. Think about it, but don’t act upon it.

Step 2: This step is key. Remember that you have plenty of time. Don’t get started on your assignment right away, because it will cause unnecessary stress. As soon as you have free time, use it doing leisure activities. Watch some TV, call up some friends, sit and stare at a wall, just make sure you don’t get anything done. Having a hobby is a wonderful thing. It should always be your top priority when managing your time.

Step 3: Managing your time is an archaic practice that threatens the very essence of procrastination. I just want to clarify that I only used it as a means of wording in step two. To be an effective procrastinator, you need to “go with the flow.” This means to never plan ahead. Act impulsively. Do what you want, when you want. Keep in mind that time-consuming activities like playing role-playing video games or reading long, graphic comic books are most effective. Your responsibilities can wait. Remember you have plenty of time. Duty can wait ’til Duty is due.

Step 4: Those are the three easy steps. However, there is one more, and this step is anything but easy. Unfortunately, Duty is(italicized) due, at one point or another. You still need to get the assignment done in time. A procrastinator always gets his assignment done on the last day, the last hour, or for some of the best, the last second. However, if the assignment is not completed in time, that person is not a procrastinator, but a failure. Beware of this. Many of the bravest and most daring procrastinators have been lost to failure. Step four requires you to do weeks, months, or even years worth of work in days, or preferably, within 24 hours of when the assignment is due. This will undoubtedly require far more stress than you would have received all the days you could have worked on it combined. You will probably have to pull an all-nighter or two. The work will be sloppy and incomplete. But you had so much fun, remember? If you hadn’t waited ’til now, you would have missed that hilarious "Simpsons" episode. You might have had to stay home instead of going to Lagoon with your friends for the 18th time that week. You probably wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to brood over the assignment looming over you for months on end. Now, if you are unable to fulfill your duties in time for the Day of Judgment, proceed to the next step.

Step 5: Plead. Plead with every fiber of your being to your boss, teacher, scouting administrator, or whoever it is that you have let down. Sometimes, there is still a beacon of hope for failures. Milk the kindness in their heart for all it’s worth. Perhaps there is a “late pass.” Maybe they will show you mercy. But remember that they have complete control over your fate if you fail to finish that assignment when it is due.


I will leave you with a warning: If you choose to procrastinate, be prepared either to get all of your work done in an unnecessary death day, or to receive whatever punishment is due to your lack of preparation and work ethic. Allow me to revise myself. Procrastination is an ancient practice that is often(italicized) dangerous.





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