You’re probably wondering how it’s possible for a child in America, of all places, to grow up without a long attention span. With all of those “great” works of literature, school, and hobbies, chances are that kids would find themselves occupied with activities that would strengthen their mental stamina. However, you can change that and you definitely should. In this day and age, kids without a short attention span will be left behind in society. A short attention span is absolutely necessary to participate in regular communication via constant text messaging, to enjoy the quality entertainment of television, and to appreciate the flavors of fast food. Your child will be missing out if he or she is stuck with that problem called concentration. To eliminate that hindrance, simply follow these three easy steps that are guaranteed to give your kid an attention span shorter than a goldfish’s.

First of all, take a look at what you’re feeding your son or daughter. Is it healthy? If so, it’s time to change that. Children need to be on high-sugar, high-sodium, highly-processed diets. Of course, this is easier than it sounds because kids just love eating junk food. Candy, soda, and microwave dinners are just a few of their favorite meal options. Try alternating between TV dinners and fast food take-outs so that your child will have meals with more variety and will want to eat more processed foods. The more junk food a kid eats, the jitterier he or she will become. Also, the extra dose of sugar gives your child the added bonus of being unable to sleep well. Everyone knows that sleep-deprivation leads to less concentration.

Secondly, be sure that your child has a constant stream of meaningful entertainment. Television is best. TV was created for the sole purpose of entertaining people when they don’t feel like thinking or concentrating. Between clips of shows are commercials, which are meant to fund the programs and are made short to appeal to their audiences. Even TV shows themselves work to keep the audience’s attention by continually switching scenes or camera angles about every five seconds. Those with shorter attention spans would definitely get more enjoyment out of watching TV. If you get your child hooked on television or on its companion: the internet (think constant status updates and seven tabs of amazing videos/gossip/articles), he or she will be open to a wider range of entertainment including text messaging, which conveniently is a form of communication, too.
Thirdly, never let your child have a single waking hour of peace or fifteen minutes, for that matter. Basically, be sure to fill that schedule up as much as humanly possible. Overbook! Overbook! Overbook! Daily soccer practice is not enough. Try adding in some piano lessons. Oh, and, at the last minute, bring your child to your boss’s cousin’s daughter’s anniversary party. The less he or she knows about his or her schedule, the less time there is to wind down and, of course, sleep. Maybe you could put a TV in your kid’s room for even less sleep.
After following these three steps, you will definitely see positive changes in your child. A better appreciation for television, a strong desire for fast foods, and the ability to text at ninety words per minute are just a few of the benefits. You can tell you’ve succeeded in shortening your child’s attention span if, while trying to talk to your kid, you find yourself being constantly interrupted (this is an excellent sign of fitting into the on-the-go culture of today) because your son or daughter is either texting friends, listening to music on an iPod, or blankly staring off into the distance. Soon your child will be moving out and will be able to be successful in today’s world, and you’ll have the perk of not having to financially support the kid (however, when cramming your child’s schedule be sure to slip in some practical economics classes, otherwise you might end up with a kid who comes back to live with you due to short-attention-span-fueled impulsive spending. Don’t fret though because you don’t have to worry about taking care of a boomerang-child if you read a certain other popular essay called “How to Successfully Pass the Buck”).