Dear Jane

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Dear Jane,
I heard you were having guy problems, or more blatantly “Kyle” problems. He is like a stalker, with feelings. He knows what you are doing, where you are, and whom you are with, at all times. Scary, I know. This can easily be terminated with what I call the, “The Obsesser-Killer.” Follow any or all of these four simple rules and you will have yourself “Kyle” free!

1. Be Rude With and Around This Person Kyle.
I understand you are not the type of person known for having a mean streak and would have a tough time being rude, but listen here, you do this right and he will out of your life before you can say “poof.”

If you can find the guts to be rude directly to Kyle, then go right for it because this often times is the deal breaker for someone like him. Since you are constantly around Kyle at school and work, you have the perfect opportunity to let the rudeness flow. Do not be afraid to say things such as, “Excuse me, but could you move your large head out of the way, it’s blocking my view?!?!” Or you could state to him, “Here, take a piece of gum, it is better for both of our sakes.” Kyle may get the impression that you can spark some mean in you, which is exactly what we want to happen.

If you are having problems saying these things to Kyle, then you can prove just as rude by acting this way towards a friend, such as Stacey. Here is what is necessary for this to be pulled off successfully. Get Stacey to agree to you being rude to her. Once she has agreed, you need to wait for the right time, preferably when Kyle is in earshot of your conversation. The most effective way of being rude is insulting Stacey’s clothes, especially because we know she despises to be insulted, so her reaction should prove to be a good one. You can say things like, “That vomit colored top your wearing does not match your eyes one bit”, or “Where did you get that hideous pair of pants, a resale store, from the fifties?” or even, “Could your chose of outfit be anymore, let me think of a word, oh ya hideous?!?” This is sure to be success.

2. Obnoxiousness is the Key

Being obnoxious is definitely not a characteristic attributed to you often, but I have seen you at one too many parties so I know you have it in you Jane! The not so easy part is acting obnoxious, while making it seem realistic at the same time. If you achieve both of these you are good to go. Acting like you have a sugar high is better than acting like you are drunk because I am guessing it is more believable. A sugar high usually entails some nonsense talk, laughing at nothing, burping or farting (not ladylike, which makes this work even better) and not caring, and/or making random noise with your mouth/nose. Do enough of these annoying things toward Kyle and he will be on his way to another victim of this obsessing.

3. Stink Yourself Up!!

Do not take this personally but you need to smell, and badly. This task will be harder for you, but just think of it as being the deciding factor of your unwanted relationship. This will be a turnoff for Kyle no matter how much he loves you. Not showering, not using deodorant, not brush your teeth or using mouthwash, and not washing your hands after using the bathroom (I know gross!!), all fall under the category of stinky, smelly, ickiness. You are the type that just cannot miss a day of showering, so the not brushing the teeth idea may be for you. This includes, obviously not brushing your teeth but also, no use of mouthwash, no flossing, no gum chewing or mint usage. Anything that could possibly make your breath smell good needs to be avoided at all costs, or your irresistible minty fresh breath will be bait for Kyle to love and adore you even more.

4. Ugly, not your favorite word, fine then, Un-Pretty Yourself Up

Making yourself ugly, or not pretty, will be difficult for you, but if you can successfully complete this final step your Kyle issues will be long gone. Clothing, hair, makeup, and any other sort of thing done to you to increase yourself being eye candy will be addressed. We will focus on the clothing on the clothing and face appliers (this includes makeup, cover-up, blackhead remover, etc.)

Your unique sense of style is probably one quality that Kyle admires about you very much. A few quick and simple tips may aid you. You are the teenager that always dresses in a professional manner. I applaud you for your clothing maturity but this has got to change from here on forward. You need to be and dress well, a lack for a better word, s*****y. Sounds naughty or dirty but this drastic change of clothing styles should be quite effective. Also, I understand that accessories really are not your thing, so this gives you the perfect opportunity bling it up baby, and I mean way too much jewelry and overtop shininess.

Makeup for some reason is a necessity for the average girl, and you are no exception to the rule. You have two options when it comes to this important decision. You can either, stop using makeup altogether, which will allow everyone to see your face without the hours of work you put into it (not implying anything), or you can slather the stuff on like barbeque sauce on some meaty baby back ribs. Next comes the cream, pimple remover, and any other nonsense used to increase your appearance, in a good way might I add. All I can say is, let those blackheads flourish, bring on the wrinkles, and feel my rough alligator skin.


These four tips are shear ammunition in your arsenal. These are all at your disposal to be used, with caution, to creep out your own creeper. Never again will you have to worry about the wrong person falling too much in love with you. Kyle will be history and you, Jane Margaret A., will be on your way to a normal life once again.
Sincerely,
Michael BL





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