September 25, 2007
I lay in my bed, crying. I’ve been crying myself to sleep a lot lately. I can’t help it. I’m just so upset about all of this. I think about why it had to happen. How could something that was once so wonderful turn into something so awful?

I recall when I was younger my friends weren’t good to me. They would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough, boss me around, put me in awkward situations, drag me into trouble, and just treat me wrong. However, they were my first friends and I didn’t know any better. I assumed every friendship was like that.

After you have had something great that shows you what you were missing out on, how can you go back to what you had before? You can’t. After you experience what you deserve to have, you never want to let it go. However, sometimes you just have to. Sometimes you can’t hang on to a memory, because as time goes by even the memory starts to fade. Sometimes people just change so much that they are unrecognizable. But how? How is it possible for someone you knew so well turn in to a person you can’t even recognize?

I remember her how she used to be. I remember the girl I befriended in the 7th grade. She’s nothing like that now. Sure, her name is the same, but she isn’t.

Kristen used to be someone I admired. She loved being different. She didn’t care if people thought she was a little on the weird side; actually, she liked it. She didn’t mind dressing a little different from most people. She felt that if someone wasn’t going to like her because of how she dressed she didn’t need their friendship anyway. She was good listener, and just a great friend. That was until we got to high school….

Something about her changed. I wasn’t good enough anymore. Suddenly I wasn’t “cool” or “popular” enough for her. Everything about her changed. She no longer wanted to be different because she thought that if she was different people wouldn’t like her as much. I don’t know if she’s ever realized it but she actually had more friends when she didn’t care if she was a little different. She now wanted to have as many friends as possible. She wanted to be acquainted with the people that were considered popular. She wanted to be around the people that were well-known, which isn’t me. Kristen wanted those popular friends so badly that she ended up pushing away her good friends. She started calling me less and less and I became her second choice. If she was trying to make plans with someone and at the last minute they found out they couldn’t go, then she would invite me.

It isn’t fair. I’ve been by her side whenever she needed me there. I never once made her feel like she wasn’t good enough, so why was she doing it to me? Part of me felt like I shouldn't stop being her friend because she needed me, but the other part of me didn’t want to allow myself to be treated that way. I ended up staying by her side even though she probably didn’t want me there.

I remember a day that made me realize something important. It showed me she wasn’t the girl I knew. It showed me she wasn’t a good friend, and it showed me that our friendship would never be the same. Kristen was planning on painting her room a bright orange color and she was trying to get people to agree to come and help her. Of course, she asked me. I never actually said that I could go. I told her that I might be able to, and then the day before I found out I needed to go to my grandmother’s house. I wasn’t able to call her to let her know. I felt bad about it but I had assumed she would understand….. But I was wrong.

Apparently no one else had showed up either. I signed on to AIM and she was on. She immediately instant messaged me and started asking me why I wasn’t there. Apparently my reason wasn’t good enough, so she began talking about how no one had showed up and how her room looked terrible. She told me that at the end of the summer she was going to dump the friends that weren’t really her friends. She was making me feel like I was the worst person in the world just because I wasn’t able to come help her paint her room.

I am very hard on myself. I had already felt bad about how I hadn’t been able to come, and she had to have known that, but she didn’t care. She just continued to pile on the guilt. She wasn’t able to get in touch with any of the other people she had invited, so she took it all out on me.

I sat at the computer crying my eyes out because of the things she was writing. I couldn’t take it anymore. I made an excuse to get off and signed off the computer. I walked into the living room. I sat down on the couch. I didn’t turn on the television. I didn’t put on the radio. I just sat there and cried and cried and cried. She had succeeded in making me feel terrible about myself. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I was the worst friend ever.

The phone rang about an hour later. It was her. She told me that she couldn’t stand being mad at me. I didn’t understand that. How could someone treat me so terribly and then just bush it off like it was no big deal? I still felt bad though, and I wanted to help her fix her room, but when I tried to offer she just got mad again and told e not to bring it up anymore.

Then there was one incident that ended it all. There was no big fight and I bet you she doesn’t even know that it bothered me, but it did.

Birthday time came around…. My birthday is about 2 weeks before Kristen’s. We always used to joke about how my birthday is on the same day as her mom’s birthday. Yet somehow she totally forgot about my birthday. It didn’t bother me that she didn’t get me something, because I don’t care about that. It’s just that she did not even say ‘Happy Birthday’. She just walked over and said, ‘Oh my gosh! I totally forgot it was your birthday!’

Then 2 weeks later her birthday came. I still brought her some cupcakes, a bag of candy and a balloon, but she didn’t even say thank you. She didn’t even care. She just nodded and then walked over to another girl, showing off a gift she had gotten. I couldn’t believe it. I was heartbroken. I had taken the time to go out and by her favorite candy, a balloon like she had said she wanted and cupcakes and she didn’t even give me the slightest notion that she appreciated it.

She doesn’t say anything to me when she sees me in the hallways anymore. Nothing will ever be the same between us again. I guess I just have to accept the fact that my friendship with her is really over. I still think about it sometimes and start to cry, but not as much because I know that she doesn’t want my friendship anymore, and I’m not going to stand by her side anymore and hope that she will realize I’m there. I’ll still be close by if she ever needs me, but I’m not going to follow her every step anymore.

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