Disclaimer: This is not a guide on manipulating your facial muscles.


Nameless person, I have some news for you. People are evil. Malicious, diabolical, and self-consumed. Well, everyone except you, of course. They will use you for their own pleasure and personal gains and then cut you down when you least expect it. It’s a cruel world we live in, so it comes as no surprise that often times we may find it hard to stay happy. And if this is frightening to you then that’s both fine and understandable; wallow in your self-pity, and feign contentment in the bottomless abyss of misery and loneliness, for these are comfortable places where it’s perfectly acceptable to put forth zero effort. But if you become a little proactive, you’d find that whatever your dream is, whether it’s being promoted at the office or taking over the world, you’ll see happiness comes with its rewards. And this simple yet seemingly unattainable emotion can be seen from a mile away, in the little act of smiling. Furthermore, correct me if I’m wrong, but does it not take more muscles to frown than to smile? ?
So Monday morning rears its ugly head, and you decide that cloud that’s been raining on you for years simply has to go. You wonder, “But if it’s so easy, what exactly do I do?” First comes the hardest part for those Negative Neds, who turn every little spark into an inferno. Sure, your toothpaste did explode everywhere, and yes, all five cats are starting to put the word infuriating to shame, but just suck it up and put a smile on. Sincerity is not our goal at the moment; that comes later. Believe it or not, that grin can have a multitude of positive effects on your daily life. As a certain Charles Gordy puts it, “A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.” You honestly think walking around like you just killed your goldfish is going to have women clawing at your feet, begging for your time? It won’t, so force your lips out of that decade-long scowl for good.

Alright, so you’re walking around beaming like a murderer, but that’s not true happiness now is it? The mental and emotional aspects that need to be changed all lie in your level of controlling how you react to stimuli. It may sound like a biology lesson, but in the end that’s what everything in life comes down to. Sorry for the disappointment, but we’re all just animals, even you.

What you must do is alter the way you mentally and physically behave when less-than-favorable circumstances emerge. Take a very common issue such as the breaking of trust. You’re taking a stroll in your metaphorical “park of friends”, thinking everything is angels and butterflies only to turn around and say, “Oh hey, this is my back, and there’s a knife here.” Whether it be discovering your husband’s shocking affair with Jane from accounting or finding out that Polly just threw you under the bridge to get that big promotion, there are two approaches to take. You may either stay in your comfort zone, crying for eons while simultaneously eating liters of Ben and Jerry’s and replaying Lifetime movies, or take that first step towards a better life. Be relieved that you can finally end the pointless marriage, and feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins as you think of exactly how you are going to show Polly what it’s like to mess with you.

As soon as you change your mind-set about how you’re going to react to negative events, you’ll find it’s infinitely easier to deal with them. Computer broken? What a convenience, now you can go running. God knows you spend too much time on that thing anyway.

Mother’s moving in with you? Good, now she can take care of the baby. As is evident, the list goes on and on, and the message is clear; for one to be happy there must be a significant change in attitude (quote me, please).

Nondescript human, I’ve put all my cards on the table, and I’ve told you how you can be happy. Now there’s a 99.9% chance that you will treat this as a fad diet, and forget everything I’ve said. And that is because you are completely worthless, and you always will be.

Upset because you know I’m right? Then you fail. But if you scoff at me, snickering because you know your purpose and you’re confident that you will prove me wrong, then you’re well on your way, and my job is done. It’s all up to you now.