Obsession

February 27, 2010
By
Did I have an eating disorder? Or was I just conscience? I asked myself this question everytime a looked at my stomach in the mirror. Yes, like every girl I had the desire to be thin, to have a flat stomach, and enjoyed being able to see the flat, smooth surface between my hip bones that seemed to stick out a little. I didn't look bad; not unhealthy, not "fat", but I knew I had been skinnier just months ago. I had had a flatter stomach. The scale had said that much.

Why couldn't I be more comfortable with my body? Why did I constently have to care? Was I wanted to be healthy or developing a disorder?

At meals I always tried to eat healthy and the right portion amounts. I liked having this control and chosing what I put into my body. I felt healthy, but not confident. The scale still said I had gained a couple pounds, why couldn't I shed them?

I couldn't stand not being able to regain my old form. It began to consume me. I always told myself it was simply because I had been healthier and wanted to go back that way, but the question always stayed in the back of my mind.

Was I healthy or in dangerous waters?

After the frustration of trying everything to lose those pounds, I decided I needed to take more measures. I needed to stop indulging in food at other's houses and hated myself when I caved in and had the "last piece of____". I also started to write down every little thing I put in my mouth, knowing that I could at least see what I could change, but the pounds still remained. Still haunted me.

So I asked again, What kind of obsession was this? Was it for health or my own personalized eating disorder?





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