A Tempered Solution

February 15, 2010
By Anonymous

This fragment was found among the personal effects of the late Lord Thomas Richard Canning, Earl of Lawrence. The fragment served as a bookmark to a copy of The Histories of Herodotus lodged between the lavatory and the wall in Lord Canning's Estate. Scribbled on the back of the fragment, in what appears to be hastily composed prose in the sentence: by Jove that one hurt.
A Tempered Solution
Or, A Remedy for the Lack of Civilization in Backwards Nations
It is upon this subject have I mediated thoughtfully and, after months have I come up with a solution. The problem, as plainly stated as possible, is: our bringing of democracy to sovereign regions is hindered by the pure idiocy of the indigenous peoples. These backwards people live, as it seems, in jungles and deserts and rely on (as ridiculous as it sounds) multiple gods to solve their problems. Surely these people would have figured it out by now! We have sent missionaries, nay, prophets to them, and what did they say? They spoke their buga-buga nee haw language at us. Their backward villages show just how uncultured one can be. It is a sad sight to see, actually. Every night they sit around a campfire and chant about god knows what. We have tried to reason with them, tried to make them see the right way, but, alas, it is of no use. I have, however, devised a plan to a) teach these ignorant people the right way to live and b) put them to work for us. It is, of course, a very difficult endeavor, but nonetheless one worth pursuing. Some may deem it gruesome, however, sometimes what is necessary for the good of those people and, later on, for the good of humanity is in fact a very dreadful task.
First we must remove this facetious misnomer of “bringing democracy” to tribes and show them what we are really doing – colonizing. Once we remind them of our true purpose, they will instantly revere us and comply with every one of our whims. A little known secret, only come upon me from a contact deep within the tribes, is that all backwards people remember colonization, and all fear it deeply. We must use this fear to our advantage and bring these poor, poor souls into the light. For our way of life alone is the right way of life. Any other nature of civilization is pure blasphemy. Some would counterpoint this and say that we, as Americans, started out as colonies. But this is false; we were never colonies, we were merely harbingers of a new age whose time had come to move into and preach in a new land. The time has come for us to once again take the reins and move to new parts of the world and liberate the backwards and insufferable people. Once we have reminded them of the true nature and purpose of our conquest, they will have no choice but to stand by us and come hither with us into the light.
Then, there are the naysayers. People who believe that these inhabitants have inviolable rights and that we must not tamper with them. Away, I say, it is not for them to decide what is right and wrong, for they are the most uneducated peoples in our land. Anyone with the mind to think would come to the conclusion that we are the greatest nation on earth and it is our duty to spread awareness of out greatness and to help others become almost, but not quite, as great as us. So to the naysayers, whose propositions would bring some sort of facetious sense of equality, I say this: for over two-hundred years we have been the greatest country on earth, why would we want to be equal to lowlife and dirty tribesmen?
Second we must commit a barbaric deed, but one that is of the utmost importance to curing these people of their ignorance and to making them work for us. We must take the land of all these people and turn it into our own farmland. These people have taken the richest land of the world and sat on it and done nothing. We must harness the greatness of the land and use it to our advantage. With the plethora of food we will gain from this endeavor we can expand our population. And with our new populace we can expand our borders further and spread the greatness of our land. Skeptics may ask “how can we convince these people to let us use their land?” But to that I say, these people need no convincing. As I have stated previously in my first point, these indigenous people will bow down to our superiority and we will use their land. But this is not the full genius of my plan. Of course, this newfound land will increase our crop output tenfold, but what about the crops that are lost due to human negligence? We cannot ever think of bringing our own agricultural machines down there, for those people will not know how to use it. We must biologically enhance their bodies for the harvesting of crops.
How can one do this? How can one change a body to befit a task which is not inherent to us? The answer lies in a simple exchange surgery requiring two parties willing to work together until eternity. One man will provide his hands; the other man will provide his feet. We will attach the hands of one man to the legs of the other, and the feet of the other man to the arms of the other. This will produce a man with four hands and a man with four feet. We can then let the man with only hands (referred to from now on as First Man) be carried by the man with only feet (referred to from now on as Second Man). This would imply that the Second Man crawl as if he was a horse. This is of course, a ruthless solution to a problem that has yet to be created, but it is one that we must nonetheless implement because its benefits greatly outweigh its evils.
Firstly, it will allow for the cooperation of these barbaric savages. We know that these people cannot work together as it is an advancement they have yet to achieve. Through this program, we can further their learning and make them work together.
Secondly, the plan’s implementation will cause the agricultural output to increase tenfold. The First Man now has four hands with which to pick crops. This would effectively double the amount of produce he can pick. If this does not provide the incentive to work more, intimidation can be used to ensure the workers work to their fullest capacity. The First Man now has three hands which may be cut off if he does not use them to their fullest advantage. This form of threatening has been shown to work against all people, even those who have never experienced it.
Because he now no longer has to think about moving down the field on his own, he can concentrate on harvesting the crops. The Second Man too will only have to think of moving down the field, never of picking the crops. Studies have shown that when one’s mind only has to think of one task at a time, that task is done with twice the efficiency of a task in which the mind is scattered.
Indeed there will be many skeptics who believe that this plan implements unneeded barbarity and ruthlessness to helpless people. To them I say: mankind has never prospered due to not taking risks. With this step forward, I believe that we can further the evolution of our species immensely. With this increase of food, our population can once again expand and we may now take over new lands. Once this world has been populated to the max, I believe we can reach new horizons out of this world. We will conquer new planets and galaxies and spread our greatness to the new lands. If this lofty task is not possible, then at least we can teach those backwards people how to be civilized.

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