Blacking out is one thing, but being awake trapped in your own body, is another. Everyday it could happen, the chance is always there. Everyone is uncertain, but I’m not sure why; this only happens to me. Almost any situation could take a turn for the worst, no matter where I am, whom I’m with, or what I am doing, it could happen. But taking the chance is part of my life, there’s no way to avoid it. Triggers follow me around in the classroom, limbs shaking while my stomach gets stabbed with the painful memories of that night last summer. Falling down the stairs, tumbling to the ground, frozen in my own body. My silence and their doubts fill my head. The hard thump of my body, the rushing feet and screams fill the air, the lift from the unknown; tormenting memories replay over and over. Sharp pains all around, but I can’t scream. I can’t tell my crying mother on the phone that I can hear her and that everything is going to be okay. For two reasons; I can’t move and I don’t know if that’s the case. No one does. Doctors are always positive people, when they know you can hear them. But that night, I heard every doubt, every sign after each failed attempt to wake me up. Feeling and hearing everything around me, but stuck in silence. The anxiety and anticipation of this happening again never ends. Could this happen again? Would I be okay this time around? These questions will always remain unanswered.
Anticipation - Frozen Alive
January 25, 2010