How To Not Update Your Facebook Status

January 17, 2010
By swimstud93 BRONZE, Palatine, Illinois
swimstud93 BRONZE, Palatine, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Of all the things that angers me as a daily user of Facebook, I would have to say that the unneeded updates of people’s statuses is the most aggravating, especially when it is more than once in a short period of time (i.e. five minutes). So, for this reason, I have created a manual that lists effective steps that I have used to not update my Facebook status.
The Avoid:
If you avoid Facebook altogether, the chances of you updating your status are extremely slim, compared to you going on the website daily. The problem is how do you force yourself from not going on the website?
Get yourself grounded from the internet/computer.
This should be easy, especially if your parents are uptight and overbearing. Just do something they wouldn’t be happy with you doing.
Examples are: lying to them, yelling at them, not coming home after school, etc.
When your parents ask for an apology, do NOT give it to them.
If you’re hoping to stay away from Facebook for as long as possible, it is imperative that you make sure they are mad at you for as long as possible. This includes repeating the behavior you are being punished for as well as new inappropriate actions.
CAUTION: This step may or may not get you punished from other privileges as well. Use at your own risk. If you find yourself overwhelmed with the amount of castigation your parents bombard onto you, it may be best to simply apologize and skip to Step 4 to avoid any psychiatric damage to your morale.
In order to “stay in the loop”, designate a friend to update you on any social disturbances or any new gossip that is crucial to your survival in high school.
Make sure this friend is trustworthy and actually knows what is going on. If needed, designate another friend secretly to make sure the initial one isn’t feeding you false information.
Once you are ungrounded (which you will be since your parents will eventually find out that you want to be grounded and will receive no more satisfaction from your punishment), you want stay away from your computer.
Find something else to do in your time. It’s a big world and there is plenty of other activities open to you. Try a sport. Call someone. Talking on a phone is actually much more productive than Facebook chat anyways. Better yet, go and meet someone. Actual face-to-face talk is better than even talk on the phone.
Once again, stay away from the computer. If you go on, you will be tempted, and you will succumb. It is best to just stay away completely.
If you are forced to use the computer (i.e. your English teacher assigns you a paper to write), make sure that the internet is either disabled or turned off completely.
If the internet is disabled, you won’t be able to go on Facebook even if you are tempted. This is extremely useful.
If you are forced to use the internet, put a parental block on Facebook. This is very risky. If you have questions, refer to the computer manual. Avoid parental contact. They will want you to go onto Facebook in order to ruin your plan and enable your initial addiction. Remember: they want to see you punished.
At around the two to three week mark, you may be able to go on Facebook for the first time. In order to avoid initial status updates, place a large Post-it over the area where the “What’s on your mind?” box will initially appear.?
The two to three week mark is only an estimate. Some people may take a little longer until they feel they are ready to be exposed to Facebook again. Sometimes, people have gone the entire month without exposure. You must realize that this is your own journey, and that you may go at your own pace, no matter how slow or fast it may be.
After in-depth studying, I have concluded that the “What’s on your mind?” bow is in the exact same position on both your homepage and profile. If you leave the Post-it up while surfing the site, you can avoid any temptation to update your status.
CAUTION: When visiting a friend’s page, the Post-it will cover up the “Write something…” box. If you want to write something on your friend’s wall, you may remove the Post-it temporarily. You MUST remember, however, to put it back on when you are done. If not, the “What’s on your mind?” box will appear on your homepage again, and, depending on the strength of your resolve, you may be tempted to update your status, and all will be for naught.
Once you think you are ready, you may take off the Post-it. Just don’t update your status. Simple as that.
You have made it this far without updating your status, so this should be easy. Hopefully you have done many exciting things by now, and have not published any of them to your Facebook page. This fact alone should be enough to persuade you that not everything needs to be shown to everyone. You have survived this far in secrecy and you can be the same way from now on.
Of course I’m not attacking status updates in general, just the ones that are meaningless and only five minutes apart. Statuses should be something special, not a record of every second of your life. If at any time in the above process, you struggled at all and cracked, you may want to consider getting a Twitter, where constant updates at every second are not frowned upon.

The author's comments:
We all know them. Those people who update their Facebook statuses every single second of their lives? Yeah. They can be pretty annoying, at least in my eyes. I was asked by my English teacher to write a process piece about anything, so, after a short bit of thought, I came up with this satirical essay describing the most dramatic way to help avoid updating your face book status.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Jan. 21 2010 at 1:41 pm
BethaniA BRONZE, Bloomingdale, Michigan
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments
nice that should be easy i swear i update my facebook almost every 15 to 20 min it is always about somethin diffrent to

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