Do you know what it feels like to hate someone with every fiber of your being and you can't do anything about it? To hate someone so much that you feel so much passion towards them that words cannot describe it? But it's not even hate...it's hurt and disgust. You feel it everyday and everyday you feel sick because they do not know it, nor care. It drives you to insanity and tears, back and forth driving you mad! I feel it towards him. He is the very bane of my existance and yet...I cannot exist without him. He is the love of my life. I'd be on the top of the world when he is with me, whispering words of love to me...another dose of his addictive nectar. Then when I'm hooked he'd rip it away, slap me and turn his back to me, kicking me to the curb like a child who is bored with an old toy. Then the anger and pain returns but what does it bring with it? Addiction. Yes, I am addicted to my very tormentor! The one that slowly tears me apart and destroys me, the one that is slowly killing me! Then it hits me. I don't hate him for how he treats me, how could I? It was who he was, I could not blame and accuse mortal man for being himself. No, I hated that I needed him. I hated how weak he made me. Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong person and I hated how true that rang for me. I hated how weak I was and how I so easily gave into my pathetic emotions of "love". I hated me.
January 1, 2010