"Business" Anyone

December 1, 2009
By Forrest BRONZE, Peoria, Arizona
Forrest BRONZE, Peoria, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

The glistening pearly white seat cover, the soft hum of an overhead fan recycling the air out of the room, and the slightly overbearing smell of a magnolia air sanitizer. The majestic restroom, also known as the bathroom, the loo, the lavatory, the outhouse, the privy, the throne room, the can, the water closet, the office, the powder room, the john, and the potty, is a place of divine affinity, a glorious luxury. However, it can also be a curse in which the human race has deemed necessary for survival. It provides a haven, a refuge, and a sanctuary to people all around the world as well as a place of suffering and agony. Whether it is one or the other greatly effects one’s ability to do their “business” in the office.
The spectacle of a crisp pearly white toilet and shiny linoleum flooring is enough to make the heart leap and pound in the chest. Almost glowing stainless steel knobs and the clear sight of one self in the mirror makes the knees go weak. As the light switches on and the eyes begin to water in awe a grin forms and the feeling overwhelms one to the point that their presence is causing a disturbance itself somehow fouling the scene. This provides an ideal environment to do business in such as writing letters to grandma or typing a paper on the laptop because it is clean setting to complete tasks in. The latter of the scenes is much more vivid to the eyes. A solid caking of yellowish coating around the
brim of the throne, the blurred water completely still, the mirror so distressed nothing is reflected, not even light. The sight is rank and causes the stomach to lurch, to crawl as a caterpillar up the throat trying to escape the almost taste-able air. This nightmare of an atmosphere makes it difficult to do business in because of the sheer terror it brings to the pupils and has one constantly paranoid of getting their documents dipped into the unknown substances on the floor.
The nippy, rigid, smooth surface leads the mind to think that it is unwelcoming, yet as time passes the body adjusts to its hardness and the seat begins to warm welcoming the guest of honor. The seat becomes a temporary home where one feels safe upon the ivory throne, a feeling of power surges throughout the body. Similarly the cold linoleum flooring which at first warns one off then, given time, gives one a welcoming warmth that courses all through the body. The fingers explore like small children finding all the mysteries of this place. As the hand weaves gently along the walls they find nooks and crevices in the texture that give off a room temperature warmth. As finger tips grace the toilet paper roll, a fervor of excitement leaps throughout the body. The paper is as soft as velvet silk freshly imported from China or as soft as the fur of a white bunny rabbit bounding through lush meadows filled with dandelions blowing ever so gracefully in the soft summer breeze. The feeling promotes the mind to search deeper fingers skirting all the surfaces of the room finding all the hidden secret textures. There is the threaded rug around the toilet that the fingers rush through weaving wildly and thoughtlessly. The fingers dare to go under the rug and discover a harsh controlling rubber that grasps the ground. At the mouth of the faucet the fingers discover a rigid grating from which the
water pours. The paper roll holder is discovered and brings doubt into the mind with its lifelessness, its simple yet cold design reveals the bathroom for surface value in terms of feeling. As the fingers trace objects in the room they come to an abrupt halt at the door stopper. Its enticing spring and rubber stopper are by themselves admirable and draw the desire to be played with. The feel of a restroom changes over time as does the ability to work there. In the first five minutes the body feels unwanted and thus cannot function properly, yet, as it is slowly welcomed it becomes cozy. A homely environment allows the body to type up those business e-mails very fluidly.
The slight drone of the overhead fan pulling the smell out of the room is slightly mesmerizing. The mind wonders trying fiercely as a caged tiger to find a tune within it but rarely prevails. As the ears adjust to the gentle sounds the slight quiet pitter patter of the sink as it rhythmically drops small amounts of water into the sink’s surface that cause dynamic explosions of water in the microscopic scale. There is the almost unidentifiable sound of constant water flowing to supply the appliances with their everlasting hunger. Then suddenly as if a beast is awoken from its slumber an earsplitting, obnoxious, booming roar rushes from deep within the toilet and builds speed until it bursts from the surface of the water and then is yet again conquered by the water and the great roar of anguish turns into a slow dying gurgle and forever drowned. With the simple twist of a knob water flows as freely as wild stallions in the plains. It comes in beads and beats its surface unremittingly and savagely then spreads and slowly pulls together letting gravity take it. The sounds merge as one and there is an orchestra playing in the restroom.
Studies show that music can aid in the retaining of knowledge which is why the restroom is the perfect place to set up your office calendar.
The fresh clean fragrance of strong, overpowering bleach, to the pungent, putrid, rancid smell of death and rot of a thousand centuries. The smell generally correlates directly to the amount of time one spends in this amenity. Initially the nose picks up the odor of a cheap vanilla or lavender scented candle, or a rough cinnamon spice sanitizer whose sole purpose is merely to cover the underlying scent of various chemical concoctions commonly found in the restroom. The still standing water in the bowl that over time gathers all the smells together into a mixing pot and the water and releases a dull unpleasant smell. As time begins to pass the scent changes to the smell of death and invades the space of the cover-up scents and overthrows them in entire revolution of smells in the nostrils. Then as in a revolution the scent rises up and completely annihilates the anarchy that was in place. The area becomes an instant cesspit as in a revolution. There is a sudden chaos and a sense of suffocation, no hope, no faith, no anything except the sheer power of the juggernaut destroying the senses. As more time passes the scent fades as though the rebellion was severely dealt with and again the anarchy of crude cover-ups takes its place at the throne of dominance. The odor of the john has the largest effect on the ability to do “business”. The cleaner the smell, the more focused the mind is which results in better quality power points. However a rank smell can cause confusion and distortion which leads to a lack of focus and poorer quality business memos.
In the restroom there is always more under the surface fighting to be smelt, heard, seen, and felt. Under close inspection the restroom is more than it is commonly perceived to be which is a place to do business. Real “business” can be completed if the conditions are right. Through examination the senses can be beaten back in sheer awe at the miracle of architectural flawlessness. The matchless smells, eerie sounds, godly sights, and mysterious textures overload the senses. Pardon, it’s time to go finish the homework from Biology, better bring the plunger.

The author's comments:
It was our descriptive essay for Language Arts and I decided to take a more mocking approach. However I do like the turn out of the paper. I meant for it to be humorous and I believe I achieved it.

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