Five Words Of Truth

October 14, 2009
It took me almost 16 years to figure out that I didn't love my own mother, yes the woman who birthed me, raised me if you'd like to say, even protected me in a sense. And you ask why a person like me would dare say those five words of truth. "I don't love my mother."

When I was 8 months old she tried to create suicide in front of me. And again later in my life. And then again… I know it wasn't my fault nor was it my brothers faults, I never even knew she was trying, and I never blamed myself. Maybe it had been my father‘s fault. But I've heard so many things from both of their sides of the story. I don't know who to trust except my own perception.
My mom is psychotic, and a pathological lair. Then again, my dad isn’t as truthful as he says he is either. He’s the type to keep things in. He often shows the emotionless side of him. Yet how is it that I find myself loving him and not my mother? That question is always left without an answer, and I always end up finding myself standing alone while it mocks me constantly.
Maybe my moms past has something to do with it, maybe not. My dad has offered counseling dozens of dozens of times throughout their marriage. Even now, 10 years after their divorce he’s still offering her help. Heck, he even cares for her more than I do. However that works is still one of those mysteries.
Now she’s too sick with everything to even take care of us at her house like our normal schedule.

Monday-Wednesday morning: Mom’s house. Wednesday after school - Saturday afternoon: Dad’s house.
NEXT WEEK: Saturday- Wednesday morning: Mom’s house. Wednesday after school- Sunday afternoon: Dad’s house.
That’s how it worked for 10 years of my life, ever since I was 6 years old.

You can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. How does she love us like she claims to love us when she doesn’t even love herself? Maybe she never got the chance to. Maybe she just wants us to love her to “feel” like she loves herself. Maybe that’s her perception on love. As if.
My big brother and I seem to be the only ones who have seen what kind of evil person my mom can be. Manipulative liar, bad person in general and much more.
The steaming fact that she would make my dad the bad guy, lie about what I witnessed with my own eyes, blaming me for something I never did. Yeah she favored me, maybe because I was the only girl, I never asked for her attention, I never asked for her to leave out my brothers like that, turning them against me purposely like it was my fault! Screw that! You know who you are! You know your actions and play by them carelessly. You‘re so stupid! Yet how can you do these sinister things so brilliantly? Probably the only thing you‘re good at! The only thing you can do besides treat others like slaves and regard their lives so likely…
….We share some of the same feelings for her. But I have a stronger dislike for her. I know, seems heartless, so I’ve heard and been called many times. A friend told me that I probably love my mom I just don’t relate to her. Pssht… yeah right, I actually felt glad for that when she told me, then more of my life zoomed by and I found that that wasn’t true at all. The only truth was that I don’t love my mom. But hear me out, I have loved every person who has made an impact on my life, or even just is my family and is there, except her.
My mom isn’t the type who doesn’t care if I succeed. She isn’t that type who does harmful drugs or encourages me to do detrimental things. She isn’t the type who lives alone and doesn’t care for us. She Is the type who doesn’t go to my volleyball games, or my brother’s swim practices, or my piano recital. But she has a reasonable excuse for that, she’s always sick. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not why I don’t love her, I mean before she was imperatively sick like now, she would try to make it to every game. Then again back them we had so much problems. I was growing up and she wouldn’t let me, so we argued constantly. And because of those arguments she thought I hated her. I remember crying trying to prove that I did love her, and my brother would say that I was just getting mature and hitting a point in life where I shut everybody out. She took it very personally. She is the type who would break down if she knew someone she loved didn’t love her.

I can never tell her these feelings. I can never tell her that my heart doesn’t beat for her anymore, not like it ever did (that’s what I found out). I can never shut her out of my life without explaining why. I can never escape from how I feel for her now. Maybe if she were to get better and change, then I might change those feelings, but I can’t change them if she doesn’t try.

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