A Horrific Experience

June 7, 2009
By Anonymous

As a teenager I’ve mentally and physically made
myself strong. But at 16, I still cannot overcome
this “horrific nightmare”.

We all remember as children growing up with our parents teaching us along the way what is right from wrong. For 9 years I held the deepest secret in my life with only two people who knew the exact same secret. I don’t remember learning what parents aren’t supposed to do to their children; I am a victim. Way back in 1999, I was molested by a man I loved and accepted as my father; never believing he was capable of hurting me.

The first time this happened was one morning when I awoke from a nightmare that kept me from sleeping along with my heart telling me I’d be safe in a bed with my mother and stepfather. It was a horrible decision made. My mother was always up and gone by 6 a.m. leaving my stepfather and me in the room and on the bed alone that lonely morning. I thought he was comforting me by him asking me to lie down next to him, so I moved. In that moment, my horrific nightmare began; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t breathe, but the only thing I could do was shut my eyes until it was over.

Since that time I never wanted to return to the room alone with that man, but I had no choice: my dresser was in there right next to his side of the bed. I tried creeping inside as quiet as possible. I even tried crawling, but the smallest noise would wake him and each day I re-lived that nightmare over and over and over again.

As the years have gone by, it’s come to affect me more and more each day of my life. It’s terrible unable to go on each day with the nightmare replaying over and over in my mind even in my sleep. At sixteen this may not seem like an experience so severe as many years have passed, but it is something that has scared me forever without being able to forget or get rid of. I’m not just concerned for my self –I’m also concerned for my siblings, but more specifically my little sister Erin.

A year ago (2008) I finally told my entire family what that man had done to me. Now the one person I most expected to believe was my very own mother. I love her with all my heart and she loved that man as much as I loved her, so she did nothing. What I wanted was for her to be happy and what made her happy was for that man to stay in her life so I allowed it to be that way. I felt selfish thinking of myself and taking him away from her so I left the situation in her hands.

In my heart I couldn’t help the hatred for that man and even the though my older brother kicked him out the house, he was still in my life. My mother would continue to talk to and see him because of Erin, his only daughter. There was no way of getting him out my life; it seemed nearly impossible. I would write to my biological father wishing he’d be beside me to protect and guide me, putting smiles on my face like he knew without a word being told to him. I did have contact with my Aunt (his sister) so I’d talk to her and let her know as well how I felt. This beautiful woman was offering to pick me up and take me home with her. She provided the protection, love, and affection I missed out on from my own mother. With my mother’s permission I left to Arizona and she ended up bringing the happiness in my life, something I missed out on a lot.

My sister Christine and her boyfriend had made the report on my situation and since my mother was perfectly aware of the abuse, my little sister Erin, my little brother Adam, and I got taken away from her.

We are now in foster care awaiting the approvals for my older sister to get custody of us and return home. Finally my stepfather is in prison for what he did and out of my life. This is going to be hard on Erin to grow up without her father as I did, but I’m going to do whatever I can in my power to comfort and be there for them because they don’t deserve to be going through this. No one should ever have to go through any of this.
Thanks to the people involved in my case today I feel like a trapped bird set free from a cage; being able to talk about my abuse without fear or discomfort. For a long period of time I felt alone and depressed since no one seemed to understand me but when you open up to tell what you feel deep down inside those providers listen and understand you that makes you feel your life is worth living for.

I am a new person with no worries anymore living my life how I should have a long time ago being able to believe now that my life does have a purpose. One thing I regret is that I should have spoken about my abuse earlier to get the help I needed. I want people to be aware and read about this because I want to be an influence on other young women who have been through a situation similar to mine. I also want to motivate other young women to speak up and be heard about their stories. There are many programs and classes recommended that help people who have been abused that provides you with the help needed.

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