a leason well learned

July 30, 2009
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Falling in love with someone that you have to leave in the next few days, and may never see ever again in your entire life is not something that the old me would do. I would have sat back and watched but this trip changed me in a good way and taught me a lesson about love.

He seemed amazing everything about him was perfect. Others thought differently. He may not have been Mr. America but he wasn’t unfortunate looking either…he was in the middle. Well I can tell you this I was a fourteen year old girl that was blinded by love and affection.

Lying against his chest feeling every breath, and every beat of his heart which rhythmically matched mine was an amazing feeling that I will always hold on to. We hardly new anything about each other. We knew that his name was Bryce mine Kelly. He was seventeen going to be eighteen that up coming month of July month. I was only fourteen and not turning fifteen for another year. I didn’t realize that he was that much older until it was too late. We knew that we were both in Washington D.C. for a national history day competition. His home state Idaho, mine being Oregon. I had no idea how he felt about me, and to tell you the truth it scared me. But as we sat in the small hot, muggy dorm room with plain white walls that made you think that you were in insane asylums, it seemed as though he didn’t hate being there with me. We listened to our friends make dirty and cruel jokes about us as we lay in his bed ignore each and every one. To tell you the truth I really don’t think that he regretted the decision to be with me that night. We cuddled and kissed the entire night. It was amazing the feeling of being completely and utterly satisfied with just having a simple kiss from him. Thinking that he would actually give me a chance astonished me. Looking up in his eyes and seeing everything that I have ever wanted. When he gently kissed me on my forehead it made me realize that I wasn’t just a good time in his eyes I was more than that. When he decided to finally kiss me, it was amazing! It made my head spin making me fly high for hours. I have kissed other guys but I have never felt like this. This was different. Well that night nothing big happened we all stayed the night in there dorm him and I just made out the entire night and fell asleep here and there. But because we had snuck out, we had to leave at six in the morning to avoid getting caught. When leaving I promised to come back the following night. The pain didn’t kick in yet because I truly did believe that I would see him again. That was my mistake.

The following night we spent time with all of us together including our chaperons outside in the rain. my chaperon also taking on the role of my best friend. Her name is BreAnna. It was nice knowing that she had gained her own opinion on him it made me feel a little less guilty about not telling her. We went our separate ways. I told him that I will see him in an hour. This is where my heart ache begins.

My other friends insisted that I stay and they wanted to have time with just the four of us. But the truth behind that was that they were afraid of what was going to happen if I went to their dorm without their supervision. And to be honest I was uncertain what was going to happen. But I believed that if it came down to it I would make the right choice.
The heat made my skin stick to the plastic mattress making it impossible to sleep. While waiting for the others to drift to sleep I counted the gum spots on our roof. I quietly crept out the door once I heard their breath get deeper.

I walked swiftly down the long bright hall way straight to the emergency exit door. When I started to climb the flight of stairs, my heart started pounding with excitement, and fear. By the time I reached the door to their dorm I was shaking like a leaf. I softly knock on the door three times….nothing. Try again a little harder this time my head still racing, heart pounding, hands shaking. I try to listen…I hear a squeak coming from a bed. My heart gets hopeful. I wait a minute and then, nothing. My heart dropped right then and there. I could literally feel it fall into my stomach. I know that he is in there and I know that he is aware of me coming. I felt all the blood leave my face. I try to hold it together hold it all in. I look down at the door knob it is wide open. Do I dare to go in is it worth it? Does he actually want me there? is he ignoring me? Am I just another girl to him? I felt it all hit me like a tidal wave determined to take me down. I slowly begin to realize he will not open this door and that I had two choices.
One: Open the door turn on the light and wake him up.
Or
Two: Walk away and realize that I wasn’t worth it to him.
Well I choose two. Yes many of you are thinking no go in! But I thought if he wanted what I was willing to give him and he was the sweet guy that I thought that he was he would be there to open the door. So I walk away. Every thought of insecurity about myself was punching me in the gut. One after another. I slowly walk to the emergency stairwell door. Taking one glance back hoping that maybe he would open it…and still nothing. When I heard the click of the door actually closing all my emotions took me down. I was afraid to open my eyes knowing that if I let even one tear fall there would be plenty to follow and I wouldn’t be able to stop them. I feel my whole body start to shake and my knees start to give out. I fall to the ground and start to sob deep long sobs come rolling out of my chest. I can’t control myself. I pulled my self in to a ball with my back against the cool brick wall my head in my hands collecting all the tears.

As I sat there I thought about everything. Some bring happiness and others bringing depression. I sat in that stair well feeling every emotion that the good lord created for four hours and twenty-seven minutes. When the sobs slowed I started the short trek down to our room. I enter the room watching the sun fill the walls of our room.

That morning I didn’t tell anyone anything. But they knew that something had happened I spent the whole day flying high in my thoughts and blasted my friend’s I-pod in my ears. I would cry every time my friends try to comfort me. The three of them knew what happened without me having to say a thing. Especially one of them Natane’. She had gone through this a day earlier than me with a guy named Atton. She never left my side and made sure I was okay. Later that day I fell apart to Bre but I lied of course about the reason I was crying but she was always there to listen to everything that I could throw at her and give her advise. But as we were walking to the main building we ran in to him. Bryce, the reason for my tears. Of course Bre points out his arrival making it worse. I try to rub the tear stains from my face but it didn’t work. We stand there while or chaperons talked. I wouldn’t dare look him in the eye. But finally I gave in and looked up at him he gave me that unforgettable smile and he saw straight through me and saw all the pain buried inside. He tried to take a step forward to comfort me but I stepped back knowing that if I would have hugged him I wouldn’t be able to hold it together. We go our separate ways and enter the main building. I fell apart right there in the lobby my tears running down my face for everyone to see. That was the last time that I saw him.



One month later Natane’ had told me that Bryce had been looking all over for me. I realized then that I hadn’t even tried looking for him. Thought about him constantly but I just gave up on him all together.

This taught me a valuable lesson that not all mistakes are bad and that taking a risk isn’t always a bad thing. These are just steps that you will take to finding yourself, and becoming the person you will be in the future. This also taught me to use my judgment before putting all my trust into a guy or anything for that matter. I do not regret the decisions I made those nights the only thing I regret is the steps I had to take to get there by lying to the ones I love. I am sorry.





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