My First Loves Dies

By , Chino, CA
“M... Yeah I know him. We have been best friends since kinderganrden. Why?” V. said
“Well he wrote me on myspace yesterday. I was just wondering. He said you knew him. Just making sure. He said I’m cute.” I said with a huge smile on my face.
“Yeah I know him. We used to go out. He talks about you sometimes. He is a good guy. Talk to him.” V wrote.
“Okay I will. Thanks bye!”
As I’m thinking about M. this new message pops up. I read it. It says it’s from M. I can feel my heart start racing. I open it. It says,

“Hey, K., meet me at Liberty park tomorrow at 12:00. Hope to see you then. – M."

When I see M. walking towards me I start to hyperventilate. He looks angelic with his black hair blowing with the wind and his deep chocolate brown eyes look as if they could go on for miles. He is beautiful. He is wearing dark blue skinny jeans, a white shirt, black converse, and a black jacket.
It was pretty cold outside. I should have brought a jacket. I was wearing skinny jeans and a short sleeve green shirt.
I don’t move as he gets closer. I was just swinging hard enough to draw a heart in the sand with my foot. I don’t look up. He just stands right in front of me. I can smell the sweet sent of his cologne.
“Glad you could make it today. I didn’t think you got my message.” He said very softly, almost in a whisper.
“I got your message.”
“Haha I can see that. You look beautiful” As he said that I could feel my blood starting to pool around my cheeks.
“Thank you. You don’t look to bad yourself.” I try not to look at him too much; I don’t want him to think I’m a stalker or something. So instead of starting I get up and walk towards the grass.
“So what are we going to do?” I ask.
“Well I was thinking a picnic or something. I brought a few things. See?” He lifts up a blanket and a basket of food. I didn’t even notice he had anything in his hands. I was to busy worrying if I was blushing too much.
He unfolds the blanket and sits on top.
“Come sit with me.”
I sat so close to him we could look like Siamese twins. I was so nervous I could throw up.
“Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
“I’m thinking about you. Us. What is going to happen M.? We live so far away.” I start to cry. He engulfs me in his arms and whispers in my ear “Everything will work out. I promise.”
I wiggle out of his grasp and stand up, ”But how do you know that? How can you tell me something that might not be true!?”
“I can tell you that everything will work out because I love you.” He stands up, grabs my hands and stares deeply into my eyes “ K., I love you!”
“M... I love you to!” I wrap my arms around his body and cry.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry. Me saying I love you is a good thing.”
“I know that M. It is a good thing. I’m not crying because I’m sad. I’m crying because I have waited a long time for you to say that to me and now that you have I feel so happy!”
“I mean it. I do love you K.” He unwraps my arms just enough to press his lips against mine. I can taste the sweet scent of his always-minty fresh toothpaste. As we pull away from each other he has a huge grin on his face and that lights up my smile even more.
“Well I guess we should eat” He laughs.

The next day I write V.
“OMG guess what!? I spent yesterday with M. and we kissed!. He said I love you to me! Can you believe that??”
“K. that’s great!! I’m so glad to hear you’re happy.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with me and M. being together?”
“Yes K. I’m sure it’s okay. That is the 100th time I have said that. He is nothing to me anymore.”
“Thank you!!”
I singed off after that.


M. has been picking me up after he gets off work on Fridays. I told him not to because he lives far but he insisted.

I’m waiting outside for M. to pick me up so we can go to dinner. He told me it’s a surprise were we are going and just to dress nicely. So I wore a black dress, black pumps, and a black shawl. Right about that time I see his blue Toyota pull around the corner. He stops right in front of my house, gets out of the car, walks around to the passenger’s side and opens that door.
With a little bow he says,” Your carriage awaits you My Lady.”
“Why thank you kind Sir.” And I get in the car.

As we are waiting for our food he grabs my right hands and asks me, ”Do you know why we are here today?”
“It’s out six month anniversary.” I replied
“Yes.” He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little blue box. As he opens it he says, “K. I love you. I want to be with you until the day I die. I hope to marry you one day. This is a promise ring to do so one day.” He slides the ring on my finger and kisses my hand.
“Oh my gosh. M. you can’t promise something like this.”
“Oh but I can K. I know what I want. And all I want is you!”

A few days later when he picks me up after school I see little clear specks glistening all over his face. They look like jewels. As I get closer I can see they are tears. I run as fast as I can to his car. If the track coach were to see me right now he would want me on the track team. I slide into the car grabs his hands and ask “M. what’s the matter? What happened?”
“I had a fight with my parents. They said they hate me. They said that I can’t be with you anymore.”
“M. that is just craziness. They can’t tell you who to love!”
“K. they are moving me to Texas next week!”
“WHAT?!?! you can’t leave. They can’t make you do this! M.!”
“K. I have no other choice. I’m only 16. I have no where to go. They are my parents.” I wrap my arms around him wanting never to let go.

The next thing I know I feel like I’m shaking. I wonder if there is an earthquake? Instead of getting up I just turn over and try to go back to sleep.
“Wake up honey.”
I moan. “I don’t want to go to school.”
“Its Saturday baby. There is no school today. You’re spending the day with me.”
“M? Where am I?” I sit straight up. “Did I fall asleep? I have to get home before my Grandma gets worried.”
“No no no. You are home. Your Grandma let me in.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to see you. Come on get dressed. Lets go get something to eat.”

As I’m getting dressed I realize M. isn’t acting the same. Something is different about him. He seems depressed. I wonder if it’s about moving?

When I finish getting ready he comes into my room with a stern look on his face. My heart starts racing. Is this the part where he sits me down and breaks up with me?
“K. we need to talk. Sit down.”
Uh-oh. I sit any ways.
“K. I have been cutting again.”
“What? M. you just got out of rehab for that. You need to stop or your going to end up killing yourself.”
I excepted him to say something along the lines of ‘oh I would never want that.’ Something. Anything beside silence.
“Well K. I have been thinking. Maybe it would be best if I did leave.”
His eyes start to swell up.
I take a deep breath before I answer. “What are you thinking? You want to kill yourself? Why would you even think like that? Yeah I understand you have family problems but you’re almost an adult. That will all change very soon. M. you can’t leave me. You can’t leave me here. You just can’t!”
“K. I think it is what’s best for everyone right now. I have hurt to many people to deserve to live any longer.”
“So you are just going to leave me here?”
“K. I am not your prince. I’m not going to chase after you every time something goes wrong. I’m not the guy for you. So stop loving me!!”
Then he gets up and storms out of my room. I think I hear him stop and turn around. But then I hear his car door slam and he drives off.
“V!!! Are you on? I need to talk to you! NOW!” I write as soon as M. leaves.
“K, what’s wrong?” V. asks.
“M. came to my house saying he wants to kill himself. What should I do?”
“He has been saying that for a while now. It’s nothing. He won’t go through with it.” I start crying.
“He said that he isn’t my prince and he won’t chase after me. I don’t understand anything that he just said to me.”
“K, its fine. He will be better by tomorrow. Just give him time.”
I sign off.

A few hours later I get a new message. It’s from M. I open it and it says,
“I love you-Goodbye” I start crying but then I remember what V. said. This is all normal stuff for him. I just need to cool off and give him space.

I decide to go to bed early that night. As I’m lying there I start counting the dots on my ceiling. 1001,M, 1002,M, 1003,M. All I can think about it M. It all hurts.

The next few weeks M. doesn’t get online. Then one day he gets on. I write him. “Hey babe. Are you better?”
“I’m sorry. This is Josh.” Josh is M’s brother.
“Josh? Why are you on M’s e-mail?”
“K. I’m sorry to tell you this but a few days ago M. slit his wrists and killed himself. He did leave you a letter though. Would you like to see it?”
My hearts starts to race. I can’t read the message anymore because tears have taken my sight away from me. How could this happen? Why would he do this? I just can’t believe it. I can feel my heart just rip in two. Finally when I can see again I reply to Josh.
“Yes please.”
“Okay here it is:
K. I’m so sorry for the pain I have put you through. You deserve much better. I love you. You need to find someone who loves you just for you. You deserve at least that much. Someone who respects you. And someone who won’t leave you. No matter what.
I love you
Take care
Forever yours,
M"





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Angel*music*lover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 18, 2009 at 4:48 pm
This is so sad. :( I feel for you. I am truly sorry.
 
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