No one knows what kind of pain a heart can hold. Metaphorically, a heart is symbolic for love. Hearts hold many other emotional pains like grief, sadness, hate, and loneliness. My heart is symbolic for just plain suffering. I have always relied on other people to make me happy, so I really had no happiness at all. I have worn this pain the same way I wear my clothes- so everyone can see it. Something about being alone completely changed me, hopefully for the better. I realized I have been carrying around a heart of glass, one small crack and the whole thing will eventually shatter. My heart did crack into a million different pieces whenever something went wrong and then it completely shattered. I tried many times to fix it myself, but the pieces were too painful to pick up and put back together, so I tried to forget about them. I was wrong because memories never go away and relying on other people will always cause pain. I had let people into my life that I didn’t really care about, but they gave me the illusion that they loved me, so I held on as tight as I could. I had sold my own soul for a false feeling of happiness. When these people finally got tired of me, they left and I was alone with no one to help pick up the pieces. So I spent more and more time with myself and figured out who I am and who I want to be. It took a lot of time, but time is all I really have. I started being thankful for the things that I do have in life that are permanent, and the people that I enjoy the most. I realized that nothing can ever replace family love or the love that you have for yourself. I have to thank my Dad for putting up with me because I was always too emotionally messed up to see how much he loved me and truly cared. Everyday, I can look into the mirror and I know the person who is staring back. I am thankful for everything I am blessed with and everything that’s good about me. I feel the warmth inside myself like I never could before and I’m finally happy, but for real this time. Now, I wear my happiness just like I wear my clothes - for the whole world to see.
My Heart of Glass
August 6, 2009