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I guess I AM afraid...
I couldn’t shut my eyes for longer than a second. I was tossing and turning, wide awake in bed... just thinking. I knew I was afraid...
Me?? ...Afraid?? Those who know me [or rather think they do] will think of this as impossible. I don’t GET scared. Not by a scary scene in the movies... not by somebody screaming BOO! In my face... well maybe by a frog, but that’s beside the point. I’m not the type of girl to BE afraid. What is there to be afraid OF anyways.
Last night there was something. It wasn’t anything under my bed [I checked]... my closet was empty [well, apart from the gigantic mess made by me], but I still felt the need to hide under the covers and save myself from ... HIM. I know what you’re thinking: “A 15 year old girl... scared of the boogey monster?” Well as a matter of fact I AM... only I know him by another name... a name that’ll make you’re skin crawl... I t is not for the faint of heart to hear...
His name is...
Real mature I know... being afraid of Cupid... [he wears a diaper for God’s sake!] it’s really more like being afraid of love... This will surprise many of those that have met me, that say I’m “mature beyond my years”, that think I know exactly what I want, that see me as strong and independent... that swear I’m close to PERFECT [still don’t know why].
But last night, I realized how terrified I truly AM of falling [once again] IN LOVE.
I HAVE been in love before... It was... AMAZING... it was beautiful... it was everything to me... I loved him with all my soul [though it didn’t work out], and I’ve never regretted giving him my heart.
I loved the feeling of being in love... I wanted it to never end... I had dreamed about it forever and now... it was finally JUST right. Thoughts of him filled my head every minute of everyday. Foolish as it was, [for I knew most teenage romances ended soon] I could swear we would be together... till the moon FELL from the sky.
Sure enough... the moon’s still there and our love is not [or at least it doesn’t seem like it].
And now... after constantly telling my friends how WONDERFUL love IS [and I know it is], and NEVER to be afraid TO love or BE loved... I find myself UNDER THE COVERS, hiding from Cupid’s “wrath” and his all powerful arrow which sole purpose is to make me FALL.
I don’t wanna fall!! I don’t! I don’t! I don’t!
I’m just not ready yet...
Now the question is WHY? Why not?
I’m still 15, I don’t know much about love [or life for that matter]. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything at all. I guess I’m starting to realize [much as I hate it], my parent’s are right [sometimes].
After breaking up with my 7 month boyfriend I’ve finally gotten used to being single again. And, truth be told, it feels great! I never really appreciated being single before. I used to be the one who said: “Having a boyfriend doesn’t change anything.” “You can still do anything you did before.” Etc., etc... But only being tied up [though I denied this with every ounce of strength I had] have I realized....( I miss being tied up )...
eeh umm what I meant was... a boyfriend really IS a ball and chain, but when you’re in love, you just don’t care.
Now that I’m single I can talk to cute boys without my boyfriend getting jealous,
I can dance any way I want,
I have more time to myself,
I don’t stay awake all night waiting for a phone call [only to get a text at one in the morning saying he got home late],
I don’t spend all my money on his birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts,
And I can develop a crush; knowing that’s all it’ll ever be... a crush, infatuation, lust... anything BUT love [please don’t let it be love!].
Ok... enough dancing around the subject... time to spill my soul...
[It’s twisted I know, but when have I ever made sense? When has ANYTHING make sense?]
I CAN’T fall in love.
One cannot fall in love again without falling out of love BEFORE...
And if I did so... wouldn’t it mean I didn’t love him as much as I swore I did?
Would it mean I lied when I said I’d love him forever?
Would it mean our love wasn’t true... and that I never even knew?
I can’t even fathom that what I felt so strongly wasn’t real. Because... if it wasn’t... then how will I ever know what is?
I WON’T fall in love.
So I won’t ever doubt love...
And I’ll still live like a child... midst a fairytale...
In which first love is ALWAYS real, ALWAYS true and ALWAYS... forever.
Sorry Cupid, I know it’s STUPID [very stupid] I know it’s DUMB [ hey it doesn’t even make sense to me]... And so so wrong, but I’m not ready to fall in love again... not now... not yet... so till then, KEEP AWAY!