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I Want to Change

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I didn't plan this. It just turned out this way. I rather not make a comment, but I need to make it anyway. So I'll start from the beginning, and work to the end. Please don't role your eyes and scoff, because then i'll get angry again.
For a few years I was overweight. Now I can't eat off my diet. I meant to look normal, but now I look anorexic.
You try so hard it makes me sick. You love me... I know. I don't mean to hurt you with the things I do (you know what they are). Maybe It's karma? But right now I'm having a very hard time expressing the right emotions, so give me a few years.
I don't want to be a monster. I just want to be a ghost when I'm dead; I need to make my life as dramatic and full of tragedy as possible.
You say I'm easily obsessive. What does that mean anyway? Plenty of parents would want their kids to love music, classic books, foreign films, to be ambitious like I am.
Belligerent and defiant should have been my name. I'm stubborn and rigid, but you raised me that way. Or did you raise me to be independent and strong, and I took it the wrong way?
You're right, about this fact for sure: I'm drowning in my own ambition, and I need fresh air.
I don't know who or what I am, and it's making me ill. I keep mooching and role-playing off of other people's lives. I need to make myself real.
I'm scared, I really am. It's melancholic to see my life fly by like it does, though I'm only 14. I can barely remember when I was five 5, when you adopted me from China when I couldn't speak, though it seems like yesterday.
I read that to become a ghost you need to had a tragic life, a tragic death, or to commit a tragic death. I didn't like the last two, so I took up the fist. It's not working out for me, and it's damaging my future (if I have one, I mean).
A poet once said: Only a fool laughs at things that aren't funny.
I don't want be a fool! I'm over that now! I want to be someone else, but I don't know who. I have no mentor, and I would prefer one who is a man, if you please. Mail one and it would make me happy.
Sine I am no fool, I'll forget about being a ghost! I don't want to be a f**k-up, and I think I found the solution: I'll be an author, so that way I'll never die. People will forever read my book, and my light will always shine.
I'm sorry for the things I have done, and will do in the future. I don't want to me a monster. Honestly, I'm sorry, for everything, and I want to change.





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baller5 said...
Aug. 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm
i am glad that you left a comment on my work. you are great at writing and obviously,you like writing.
life is in control of yourself. so you want it to be that way, just do it. you wanna be an author, just go for it. and there is one thing left i should tell you is you got a amazing pal--zero(i guess it's she). she 've commented on all your works.
 
Zero_Kiryu This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Wow, this is deep. I see now why you would like The Faceless Girl. It's hard to change, but if you like drama, maybe you could go into theater and of course you like writing, so then maybe you won't want to make your own life tragic anymore. ZERO
 
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