Never Forget

February 22, 2009
By Anonymous

The Nurse led me down the hallway to my room. I was more exhausted then that night I stayed up all
night after drinking 32 sodas. I had stopped crying, but I still had that lump you get in your
throat before you start crying. The nurse searched me, which I still hated even though I've had it
done before. She found nothing except my dog tag necklace with one of my favorite bands on it, which
I always wore. My dad looked upset, and I could tell my mom was fighting back tears. Luckily, she
was good at staying calm. She was used to scary situations like this. I took off my necklace and
handed it to my mom. The nurse handed me a baggy white T-shirt and hospital pants. I changed, gave
my parents a hug and they left. They had to, they weren't allowed to stay. Then the nurse told me
the hospital rules and then she left too. I lie down on the bed and fell asleep for about two hours.

Around 2:00 a.m. I woke up to see a tall, girl with red hair holding a teddy bear. The nurse smiled.
'Hi Courtney, you have a new roommate! Her name's Erin. Now don't stay up all night talking okay''
I lied and said yes then turned around to go back to bed. I couldn't though, my mind was racing! I
tried to relax when I heard Erin crying in the next bed. Being the most concerned 12-year old I
could be, I asked 'Hey, what's wrong'' Erin replied 'I wanna get out of here! That's what I wanna
do!' Then she started swearing. I wasn't used to cussing, and she didn't really seem like she wanted
to talk to me, but I really wanted to get to know her. I thought she could be nice under all that
cussing and anger. So I asked why she was in there. She wanted to know why I was first. I
hesitated, and then I started talking. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I told her everything, my
anorexia last summer, the attempted suicide last month, and finally the attempted suicide a couple
hours ago that got me in this hospital bed in the psych ward. I saw concern in her eyes even though
she didn't say anything. 'Now, your turn.' I said. She showed me her arms. I took a double take.
They looked awful! Her arms had been carved deeply into and looked terrible. I hid a gasp when I saw
the words 'help me' carved in scratches. She explained how earlier she had tried to kill herself.
She cut herself, trying to make herself bleed to death. She almost did, but her sister caught her
and called 911. After she told her story we talked about everything, friends, parents, family,
anything we could think of. I showed her my claim-to-fame, the belly role. I couldn't stop
complaining about how awake I was. She said that I was probably high from overdosing pills to kill
myself. I immediately liked her. I felt good looking up to an older person. Finally we went to bed.
About 3 hours later.

The next day I was rudely awakened at 7:00. I took a quick shower. Stupid door didn't lock! Erin
took one next and then we went to breakfast. A couple of kids were out there eating breakfast. Most
of them were older than me, but I saw one or two that looked about my age. I used to be a little
nervous around new people, so I just sat down and stayed quiet. The kid across from me asked how old
I was. I smiled and said I was 12. He nudged the guy next to him. 'You know, you're 12 too so maybe'
you know'' Then the guy swatted him. I blushed and struggled to open my cereal. They exploded on
me. Finally, we got asked to group. The man running group asked us to introduce each other and tell
why we were there. Most of them were there for anger problems, some suicide, a little cutting. I
noticed no one was there for an eating disorder, as usual. After that, goals group started. That's
the group were everyone thinks of a goal to complete in that day, than complete it. It sounds like a
good idea, but it rarely works or helps from what I've seen. When we got to one older girl named
Rachel, I found out why she was in there. She started screaming at the man and cussing at him. Now
that I look back, I think that was the place where I learned most of my swear words. She got sent to
her room, where she slammed the door and we heard muffled punching sounds. That scared me a little
but we managed to get through that group, and about four more hours of groups. Then we had a group
called 'room time' which just meant we could hang out in our rooms. I stayed in the group room and
watched TV, until I had to go to the bathroom. I knocked on the door, but nobody answered. I could
tell somebody was in there though, so I got a nurse. She opened the door and Erin was sitting on the
sink crying. The nurse sent me away and the next thing I knew, I didn't have a roommate.

This wasn't my first suicide attempt, nor was it my last one. My next attempt however I was sent to
a 3 month treatment center. I am now recovering slowly, but surely from my depression and eating
disorder. I will never forget about my stay in the hospital, or Erin. Sometimes I lay awake at
night, wondering if she's still alive, or where she is. I will never forget her, and a little part
of my heart will always be missing because of her.

The author's comments:
Names, and some of the details in this article has been changed to protect privacy.

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