I am not a freshman anymore

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which is nice, but high school mostly is still the same. So much, in fact, that sometimes when I
think about how I still have two years to go, and really three, I get a headache and I just want to
sit down and cry. So much that it is like having the same day over and over again, only the
conversations are rearranged and the homework is new, and that is all the same anyway so it doesn't
really matter.

This year I am in European history, and I think Europe is very interesting but I do not like my
European history class. Mostly we just have discussions about things that make everyone else very
angry for some reason. At first I am fine because whatever is making them angry either I do not
care about or I do not understand. But they just keep yelling at each other, and the teacher just
eggs them on, and their faces get red while the same thing over and over. The discussion is like in
English when Ms. Johnson says that every answer is a good answer, but it seems to me like everyone
thinks only their answer is any good. That gives me a headache too.

My European history teacher says I am 'disillusioned,' but I don't know about that. I think I only
seem confused because I am the only one thinking that maybe there is more than one answer. Everyone
else is illusioned because they are so confused that they just say what their parents would say, or
what they heard someone else say. I don't know. I guess that doesn't really make sense. Nothing
does, anymore.

Sometimes when everyone is turning red and I just want them to be quiet I start looking out the
window. The classroom is on the second floor, but it's not like there's a fancy view or anything.
There's just the roof of the library. But I get to daydreaming sometimes if I can't listen to the
best way to export petroleum anymore, and I wonder what it would be like to climb out onto that
roof. I'd just kick the window open and smile as it shatters into a million pieces, and while
everyone is standing there shocked I'll climb through it and walk across the roof. I'll jump off
that air conditioner over there so it looks like I jumped off the building, but really I'll just be
crouched behind it. I'll climb down the wall and run off, far away, into the trees, and I'll never
come back, and they'll always wonder whatever happened to that Dustin boy who was always looking out
the window, and one day just climbed out of it and jumped off the school.

I think about jumping off the roof of the library for a long time, and after a while it starts to
sound really, really good.





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