Confessions to letting go

February 19, 2009
By Dahiana Pena BRONZE, Brooklyn, New York
Dahiana Pena BRONZE, Brooklyn, New York
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

I'm the kind of girl that waits for the guy to confess his feelings before I even make a move. I
consider myself a tigress that way. I know what you're thinking, what the hell is this chick saying'
But if you knew everything my mom has taught me about patience and waiting for the guy to confess,
you would understand. Basically the things my mom has taught me revolve around respect, about how
the guy would respect you more if he would make the first move. The girl should always play hard to
get and not give away any feelings of love especially not lust for that matter. My mom has taught me
to find guys that respect me and my body as much as I do, which guys don't usually do if you're all
over him like you never mean to remove yourself from his personal space. There's a guy named William
who had captivated me with his sense of humor and cute smile since late September of 2007, my
freshman year in high school. I felt like my stomach went on fast scary roller coasters every time
he sat next to me and started to tickle me. Yet by the end of last year we had drawn apart, which I
blame on stupid fights and easy girls. I liked him so much it hurt to see him flirt with other girls
or crack a dumb joke about me. Perhaps the feelings I had felt towards him had made me more
vulnerable and sensitive to the things he said to me. Through the whole year the only person that
knew of my feelings was my best friend Miranda. By the start of my sophomore year I had had time to
think my feelings through in Dominican Republic. I came back to New York rejuvenated and ready to
forget about William, well, at least that's what I thought I was doing. I tried my hardest I really
did; I denied questions by our mutual friends when they asked if I liked him, including Miranda's
questions even though she said she knew better. I had tried to paste a negative image of him in my
head yet he took it down by giving me hope that he may like me back. He defended me from people, he
made me laugh either by jokes or by tickling the hell out of me, and he looked at me differently his
eyes held warmth towards me. Around November he asked me to go watch Moosab, a mutual friend and a
pain in my'. Neck and Miranda practice for a swim meet, so I did. We sat on a table placed at the
top of the rows of bleachers. He made jokes, tickled me and asked me personnel questions about guys.
For a few seconds he seemed jealous but it was quickly forgotten as I cracked a joke of his past
relationships and failure with some girls. 'Your funny,' he chuckled, 'I'm going to tell you about
all the girls I like from now on.' This wasn't really the compliment I was waiting for but the way
he said it and the way he touched my arm when I was about to fall, made me even more hopeful. I
tried to find out if he did like me like once he was talking about how he didn't let ugly girls
touch him I asked him if he thought I was pretty then. 'Well I'm not saying your ugly.' He
responded. Time passed and yet again hope was lost. My other best friend Marilyn had caught his
attention once or twice over MySpace, yet he didn't really have a chance to talk to her the year
before because she had deleted her MySpace. Then he had found out she had an aim I gave it to him
and they started chatting over aim. Although Marilyn knew I liked him she still flirted with him,
sometimes she remembered to mention me in a few conversations. They completely forgot about me over
aim and I used to make fun of their ridiculously corny status. William used to come to school
happier every day after talking to her which believe it or not had brought us closer. Yet I was sad
and completely heartbroken which I led to be known on my status on aim. Once he asked me what I was
talking about on aim. I didn't want to answer, I kept eluding the questions and then he was pissed.
Willy: Some times it's good to let go. You never know what's going to happen. Dee: and''.. Sometimes
it's not. Willy: Fine whatever I don't care. Dee: '.. =[ Dee: William' Willy: What' Dee: I'm sorry
I'm just scared. Willy: Of what' Dee: I liked you last year ok''' I liked you a lot but now you and
M are going to be together and don't worry because I don't like you anymore. I don't have feelings
for you like that anymore. Willy: ' I liked you last year too'.. Why didn't you say anything' Dee:
Because I was scared. Willy: Was it because I was an ass' Dee: Yes The next day I was afraid to go
to lunch, but I didn't want Miranda or anybody knowing I was to scare that if William knew I told
people he'd deny everything. When he walked into the lunch room and sat next to me, I felt dizzy I
was afraid, but everything went back to our original routine he poked me I laughed, I put my legs on
top of his and soon he lent me his hoodie because I was cold. William even waited for me outside in
the rain to be nice once, but he had forgotten I had track. My friendship with Marilyn though
suffered. I didn't trust her anymore I told her I didn't like William and that she could stop
worrying. In some part half of it was true, I still liked William but I was letting go now. It was
as if our love wasn't really meant to be and I was accepting that to the best of my abilities. The
only thing that had angered me was that Marilyn had another guy that liked her, a friend named
Anthony from her school. I had warned William many times that Anthony was also trying to get with
Marilyn. Yet he said that he didn't care, he'd wait for her at least until they broke up and he had
a chance again, which hurt me beyond his recognition so I made fun of him and according to him even
made him cry. So my hope was completely lost at this point, but William never knew that. He never
knew I cried after I signed out of aim abruptly, he never knew I locked myself in the bathroom and
let the water fall on my head while I sat there wishing that he'd call and asked why I had signed
out. I slowly began to develop an I-don't-give-a-shit kind of attitude and to tell you the truth I
enjoyed not caring about anything. William noticed my change he asked me what was wrong but I always
said nothing. My happy go lucky giggly attitude was drifting away and it wasn't until later that I
found out it was one of the reasons William had liked me. One day (December 17th) William had come
to lunch sad, partly because he had had some sort of discussion with Marilyn about them as a couple.
Luckily my ability to feel sorry and anger was still intact. So I asked him what was wrong, and was
angry when he was trying to explain that Marilyn was acting different so I reminded him about
Anthony and his mood quickly deepened. The whistle sounded and we began to make our way up the
stairs. I began to think about Marilyn and was pissed yet again at how she had taken William
basically played around with his feelings and then just through him back out like he didn't mean a
thing. She knew I had liked him and she had still flirted with him and given him the hoped that they
could be together. As we walked to our usual classes with one of our best friends Szymon, my stomach
turned into a knot already anticipating what my mind was yet unsure of. As we stopped in front of
our classes which were thankfully very close, I pulled on his arm. 'William'' I whispered close to
his ear. He looked at me sideways and I saw just how pissed he was at everything that was going on.
'I want to tell you something,' I said with a barely audible voice as I pulled on him with shaking
hands. 'What'' he asked. I wasn't sure I could do this. I began to shake all over and I felt my lips
tremble. I wanted to cry, just break down and cry or at least run away and lock myself somewhere but
no I had already started to tell him my feelings so I continued. 'I still like you,' there I had
finally said it! My eyes were watery and I looked around quickly Szymon was behind him as I leaned
my head on William's shoulder, he said something but I couldn't make out the words I just knew that
I wanted him and everyone else in the hallway gone for now. 'Oh', William said. Just that nothing
else, but at least his voice had changed. 'I'm sorry', my voice still sounded as if I was about to
cry. 'Mmmhmm,' he murmured as if he was ending the conversation, but I needed to at least kiss him
if he was going to reject me. So I leaned my forehead close to his and put both at the side of his
face so I could lift his head up. 'William'' I whispered. 'Mmm'' 'Please'' I pleaded; I didn't know
what for, either for him to like me back or for the kiss I didn't know what I was saying at this
time. I slowly leaned my lips till they touched his; just a touch was enough to send cold shivers
down my back. 'I'm sorry', I whispered again almost crying at this time and ran into my class room
where my other best friend Christina quickly noticed me shaking and about to cry. It was comical in
a way because she had thought William had done some sort of damage towards me and was about to run
into the hallway to tell him off. I quickly explained what I had done and she had understood. I
passed the whole period in a trance and when the bell had sounded I dashed out of the room as
quickly as I could, made my way down the stairs and into the locker room. Later on in gym Christian,
yet another mutual friend and witness, told me William had said he had wanted to kiss me back and
that the feeing in his stomach was causing him to punch tables, lockers, boards and heaters. I had
thankfully evaded William yet I was still scared, so I went to track and wished it never finished,
and then I went home where I signed into aim. Willy: Hi Dee: Hi '''.. Willy: Are you going to tell M
because I don't think I should. Dee: Yes William I'm going to tell her doesn't worry. ''''''. Willy:
Why did you kiss me' Dee: Because I still like you. Dee: ''.and because it made me mad what M was
doing to you. Dee: '' I'm sorry. Willy: No Willy: Don't be, I liked it. Dee: oh''' The rest of the
conversation had passed talking about us as a couple and how the next day he was going to ask me
properly. I waited for Marilyn to sign on but she never did. So we kept talking and I found out many
things about him and him about me. The next day it was awkward in lunch and the circle of friends we
always maintained didn't have a clue as to what to do. So I sat next to him and kissed his lips and
was amused at the different shades of red that flashed across his cheeks. By the end of the week we
had established a normal relationship. Now we're about to make two months in February 18th and I'm
so happy. It's absolutely incredible how we're still friends and do everything we used to do only
now it's as if we have a reason for being so in tune to our feelings before. He still says I'm a
pain in his ass and I still call him a jerk sometimes. Only now we mean it out of love and not to
get on each other's nerves. As time goes by I believe I love him more and more every day and I
believe me and him are going to last a really long time, which is something that we tell each other
every chance we get.

The author's comments:
It was made as home work, a memoir for my english teacher, but i dedicate it to my wonderful boyfriend

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