My worse day ever

July 7, 2009
What's with this?
Why are there so many tears coming?
I don't understand this...
What is this hurt feeling inside me?
What is making me feel so sad?
I'm so confused.
What happened?

Going out with my best friends and their boyfriends to watch fireworks.
My boyfriend is in China, hope he is alright and having fun there.
Getting to the park, everyone is excited. I'm so happy that I can hang out with my best friends again! Everything is going to be fine. Right?

Wrong, the guys get to the park, we meet them and the couples start to form. Only one girl left... who? Me.
"Stay to together. I repeat stay together! No one is going anywhere if they arn't going together." says the dad.
We all start walking to the playground to meet up with some other friends. While we walk, the couples hold hands, laugh and joke around with each other. What am I doing? Oh that's an easy question... Nothing. Not talking, not wanting to be there, just walking behind them.
I look around. "Everywhere..." i whipser to myself. Everywhere I looked there were couples hugging, kissing, laughing and enjoying themseleves. While little, lonely me, wishes I could be like them.
So instead of looking around and being jealous. I just looked down and thought about my boyfriend and the last memories we shared before he left. Which only made me sad and want him by my side more.

When we got to the playground, the couples start to hold their partner close while talking to each other. I just stood there and faked a smile. How would they know? Even if they were my best friends, their boyfriends seemed more important to them than me. I felt so alone.
Some of our other friends came, my loniness went down when they all started to come in big groups. At least they all didn't have boyfriends and I could talk with them normally about anything, not relating to boyfriends.

After 20-ish minutes we had to go back to watch the fireworks. Great, time with my best friends and their boyfriends. I walked behind all the couples again. I learned the first time, it's better to look down than up. I looked up often to see where we were and saw some friends we didn't see before. I pointed it out to the others and we walked over to them. I felt happy when I could hug my guy friend. At least I could hug him when the others couldn't. But we left shortly and I felt alone once again.

By the time we got back, there was still about 2 hours until the fireworks started. *Sigh* I don't know how long I can stand this until I start crying. Yes, I felt like crying. I just wanted to run away from all of them, go find my own friends that I feel comfortable around. But I couldn't just leave them like that. Right? Sure, I have the right to run away by my own free will but then they would get into trouble.

What am I suppose to do now? Start crying and hope that only my best friends see and pull me away from the guy to talk to me? No. That wouldn't be right. No matter how much I would hope and pray for that to happen. I know that that would never happen because they tell their boyfriends almost everything.
So, what I did was just listen, watch, fake smile and fake laugh. No one noticed they were fake because no one looked at me. My best friends were just looking at their boyfriends and their boyfriends were joking around with each other and their girlfriends.
I understood everything, the girls were talked about before, they trust me and told me so many things. What did I understand? Easy, their relationships wern't going to last. My #1 best friend was going to break up with her boyfriend sometime before school started. My #2 best friend was going to our new school and she would see what her boyfriend was really like and break up with him or the other way around but at times when I think long and hard about it, I have my doubts that that will actually happen. My #3 best friend would get sick of her boyfriend and try her best to make him break up with her because she already promised not to break up with him. I knew all this and most of them knew this too, what were they gonna do about it? Nothing, hoped everything was going to be alright and would work out. Would they? I have my doubts while my best friends have their hope.
It was time for the fireworks at least I could have somehting else to watch. They started out big with wonderful music. Beautiful. Amazing. Dang it, why did the guys have to talk so loud. I couldn't help but hear them, just because they were yelling about how pretty the colors were. So annoying.

At the end, we just sat there waiting for the other people to move and so that there were less people around. Soon the dad came and then went to the bathroom. We all stood now, the couples holding hands. Damn, I was so ready to cry. When the dad came back, we all started to walk to the car. We basically just lined up in pairs but me and this little girl who just jumped around to couple to couple. When we were almost there, guess who shows up? My ex. Oh that's just great. They guys start yelling his name over and over again. The memories we shared when we were going out, the kisses, hugs, laughs, everything just started to come back with all the tears and pain in the ending. Damn it, why can't I just move on? What was so special about this one guy that made me go crazy for him? I'm dating someone else right now! Why do I care so much for this one guy that I dated twice? Someone that broke my heart so many times, fixed it and then crushed it completely in just a few sentences. "I fricking hate you! Leave me alone, you bitch! I knew you never really loved me! Stop lying to me! I hate you!" Tears started to come down now. No.. stop... please... no... stop... STOP!... Damn it, I can't stop the tears, I was totally crying and I couldn't stop it. It hurt so much, my heart that was crushed, my hands that wanted to reach out and stop him from moving, my legs that wanted to run after him, my lips that wanted to feel his so much again, everything wanted him back. But my mind knew better than that, everything may have wanted him back but why? My mind was the only thing that made sense of what I really wanted. Yeah, I wanted him back but I didn't want all the heartaches, lonely nights, crying every night, fights about stupid little things and I didn't want all of it to repeat every week.

Wow. My best friends actually noticed me crying in the dark. She tried her best to help me. But her boyfriend pulled her back and she left me.

What was I suppose to do? He was right infront of us. Until we got to the car, he was always right infront, laughing with his family. Damn, I missed him so much. I was afraid of this, seeing him over the summer and not being able to move on. I forgot all about him when summer started and when I was hanging out with my friends. But in one second, everything changed. I remembered everything. It hurt like hell.

When I got to the car, there was still tears flowing down my face, messing up my makeup that I worked so hard on. I asked myself, "Why did I work so hard on my makeup? My boyfriend is in China and theres not point." I guess I was hoping to see someone that I could flirt with so that I didn't feel to alone. But it failed. No one was there to keep me from feeling alone.
I just sat in the car when the others were outside and talking, laughing with each other. After 20-ish minutes, one of the guys was looking at me and i knew what he was trying to say "come over here." I eyed back "no." His body language told me "what the heck? come on!" I didn't do anything back and he just went back to talking with his friend but then my best friend yelled "we need her over here!" After that was out and in the open, everyone started to yell back and agree. She looked at me with her boyfriend. I smiled and said no. The little girl came by the side of the car and said "yeah, come on." I said "no thanks." She went back to the group. I looked back at the couple, then looked at the dad who was playing around with his phone, looked back at the couple, smiled, flipped them off and turned back to my own phone. Shocking? Not really. They knew I didn't really mean it and it just meant "leave me alone." They started to yell at me but shortly after that they moved back to the group. The dad told me that I was being very mature and that I was the favorite. I didn't really care but it kinda made me happy.

After a little over an hour, it was time to say goodbyes and leave. Thank God. I just wanted to leave and go back home where I could finally be alone. The tears stoped but when I would start talking, they came back.
Everyone was in the car now, a lot of movement and talking. I put my phone back inside my pocket where I had been typing swear words over and over again just to pass the time. One of my best friends wanted to sit next to me. Great, I hope I don't cry. I did have a few tears coming down but I was happy that all my best friends where concerned about me. But at the same time I whipsered, mostly to myself "stop pitying me."

I was the first to get droped off. Thank you. First things I do when I get home, climb inside my bed. Turn on laptop. Change status to something sad. Check e-mails. Listen to music. Chat with my friends. E-mail my boyfriend about what happened today. Damn it, why am I crying again? Stop. No. Damn it. I can't stop and I'm brusting into tears. I can't stop crying. Why? What happened? I was calm now what? No. I can't stop. I feel asleep while crying. I wished I never went so I would never have cried so much. I've never cried so much in one night. It hurt and I was so confused. What was I suppose to do? I didn't have control over myself and cried all night.





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