"I love you." Those words hang heavy on my lips. This feeling is too familiar. It takes me captive until i'm dreary with doubt and self pity. I've heard those words too many times before. Do they really even have a meaning anymore? Those words used to be so sacred. A feeling so pure and true. Now it's all lies and it is not returned. It only burns and tears at hearts and souls. Souls who are desperate to feel loved and accepted. But rejection is all that is left. Whether it be from a friend or a loved one, a job or a letter. It all hurts just the same. I wish I could put how I feel in to words but it's difficult. It's a mix of emotions. Anger, frustration, confusion, hurt. How do I put that into words? That every time I open my heart destruction enters, manipulating my thoughts, my behavior. Every time I let myself trust someone I am only let down. It's inevitable and it's SO frustrating. I try to figure out this thing called love. But I don't think I will ever grasp its reality. Its brutality. The teenage years are the most critical years of your life. Learning how to deal and cope with rejection and how to make the right decisions. The ones that will lead you to a "brighter future". Shaping and molding us. Testing us and pushing us to our limits. And one day will it click? Will the answers finally come and ease our restlessness? Only one thing is certain. Experiences only make us stronger. So in the end I guess its worth all of the hurt. And I guess I won't give up. But those words will forever cling to my thoughts and cling to my soul.
June 27, 2009