I don’t really know how all this started.
And I definitely don’t know how it will end.
If I did, it would make it a whole lot easier to bear right now. I’d know that everything would be okay and I could deal with it for now because it will get better. Either that, or I’d know that it would suck in the end and I could get myself the heck out of here.
But, I don’t know that.
So, I’ll start with what I do know.















I always thought my life was normal, just like anybody else's. I'm a blond-haired, bright eyed teen with big ideas and bigger dreams. Though I'm considered a dork for my love of theatre, (my iPod consists of about 300 different showtunes from both musicals I've seen and shows I've been in) I make life fun in my own way. I mean, who said it was so wrong to break out into song and dance in the middle of lunch? I don't care one bit what people think of me. My life philosophy is as follows; I don't march to the beat of my own drum, I dance to it!
Some people laugh at me, some encourage me, some loathe me, all because of my spontaneous, overdramatic temprament. But the only people who's opinions matter are my parents. My mom is my best friend. She gets me, and I can tell her anything. My dad... oh gosh my dad. He requires a much longer description.







When I was little, it was all fun and games. Well, isn’t it always fun and games for little kids? I was oblivious to the world outside my neighborhood. I was a normal little kid. My first word was “dada”. Well, that and “duck”.
My daddy would always play with me. I remember that we’d watch Av’s games in the master bedroom and I’d jump on his bed, he’d sit on the stool at the foot of it, and when someone scored, he would stand up and yell “SCORE!” Then, he’d pick me up and swing me around, or tickle me. I had that adorable little toddler laugh, you know, the one that’s just so cute and infectious that it makes you laugh just hearing it. I’d ask who scored and he’d tell me. He loved sports1.
My favorites were Peter Budaj, Patrick Roy and Peter Forsberg. If Budaj scored, he’d tickle me and say “booda, booda, booda” like really fast. If it was Roy, I’d jump of the bed into his arms and we’d both yell “Hoowah!”
Oh! And we mustn’t forget actually going to the Pepsi Center for those Av’s games. I mainly went for the Dippin’ Dots and I found it unfathomable that he could sit there the whole time, so fascinated with watching the guys skate around on the ice.
I’d try to watch but got easily bored, so I made up games of my own. I’d find the most colorful advertisement that was on the changing-electronic-strip-thing that was around the whole stadium. It was usually the Crocs one. Then, after they did the kiss cam and dance cam and stuff, I’d look at the camera to see where it was pointing and try to find those people that it had focused on. So, we both had fun, and he continued to bring me along.
Those were the days! I was totally obsessed with Pokemon back then. That was when they had Misty, Brock and Ash. I’m talking oldies! Nevertheless, we’d lie there, in his bed on weekend mornings, him, Jacksen2, and me and watch Pokemon. Oh, those days were my favorite! When they cut to commercial break and do the Who’s That Pokemon? I’d be the first to shout out the answer. It didn’t occur to me that, then, my dad didn’t give a crap what Pokemon it was. But he’d guess anyway and it meant the world to me. Now, Dad was always a fan of channel flipping during commercial breaks, but those days he stayed on the channel because he knew I’d have a tantrum if we missed the part where they tell you what Pokemon it really was. I was always right. If I didn’t know the answer, I’d say Ditto because that dude can morph into anyone. So, I was always right and I liked it that way.
I know all this sounds stupid but it’s those fond little-kid memories of my dad that are so rare and cherished. I remember playing with my mom and having a total blast, but when I heard the garage door opening and my dad’s green Ford truck pulling in, it meant stop, drop and run. I’d hide behind the wall that separated the hall from the living room and jump out at him when he walked in. He’d act surprised and give me a bear hug. You could say I was daddy’s little girl.
A big part of my dad was that truck. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a green Ford. I’m not sure of the exact model but it looked like this:


It was 2WD. Like I said, nothing fancy. It was the kind where there’s no door for the back seats so you have to fold the first seats in and climb over them to get in the back. And you couldn’t open the windows in the back. But we all loved that truck. Jacksen, who was the absolute cutest baby in the world, had a speech impediment and called it “Daddy’s bid dreen trut.” He doesn’t have it anymore, but he’s still a truck dude.
Actually, my dad’s an overall car dude. He races. I always thought it was so cool. And it’s not like NASCAR quality or anything but I always thought it was something different. You know me, I like to be different.









But those good ole' days couldn't last. Soon came, what I like to call, The Dark Days. Ah, yes, it all started with Lily3. When the little mongoose (cute but ferocious) was born, Daddy's little princess got kicked out of the castle. It was as if my rule was up and there was a new self-appointed b**** serving her term. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Lily but she just rubs me the wrong way most of the time. Those Dark Days weren't so bad compared to now. I mean, I was just ignored and shoved aside for "Boopie". Their precious "Butterbean" was cute at first but... actually I'm lying. When she was an infant, she didn't stop crying. She had reflux and was a nightmare. We didn't sleep for weeks. It was insane. But I shouldn’t be complaining about that. It gets worse.
The Dark Days got darker. In fact, it was so dark that even with a flashlight, you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face. It started darkening last summer. The canvas of my life got a new stroke added to it. The new addition was a muddy brown splotch, covering my sanity. I got so confused.
My parents were fighting. A lot. There were thoughts of separation, divorce4. I was kind of confused and didn’t give it much thought. I just thought it’d work itself out.
Boy, was I wrong. Soon, those thoughts turned into actions.
At this point, everything was blurry. My mom moved into the basement, Gramps was constantly harassing her, she and my dad wouldn’t speak. And this, mixed with guy problems, sent me into a stage of my life I call emo shock.
Nathan had just broken up with me. I needed a friend who understood. But my mom, who is normally my lighthouse in these confusing waters, was too caught up in buying her new house and trying to split everything evenly. And my dad, oh gosh my dad, well he’s not exactly what I’d call comforting. In fact, he’s the polar opposite.
So, I tried to comfort myself. Which trust me, sucks. I isolated myself from humanity, broke free from the “popular clique” I was in, straightened my hair, and bought black eyeliner. I dropped any means of fashion and stuck to my t-shirt and jeans routine. The only person I ever talked to was Chelsea. I now realize, I was like a leech, feeding off of her and copying her every move. And frankly, she’s not the best person to go to when you need some TLC. This was the worst thing I could’ve done. But I wasn’t the only person affected. My dad was, too. He refused to communicate to anyone. He’s always been bad at that. But when my mom moved out, he got harsh. He didn’t know how to cook or clean or do laundry, so I had to teach him. And, let me tell you, it’s not fun.
Now, I just feel bipolar. I love him, I mean, of course I do! He’s my dad! But I also hate him. He constantly yells at me, usually without reason. I’m like his verbal punching bag. But then, I feel sorry for him. He has like four friends and he likes to watch the sci-fi channel all day. I don’t know, I shouldn’t judge him based on eclectic feelings.
He’s probably going through a hard time. He didn’t want to get divorced. And now, mom is with Gregg. That must be tough. And, he’s having financial problems with work. I just don’t see why he takes all of his stress and anger out on me. I honestly don’t think he cares. He “gives me freedom”, but when he says he’ll call me and he doesn’t, it’s beyond freedom. Just yesterday, I texted him to ask if I could go to Abbie’s house after school. He said sure, and that he’d call me in a bit. He never did. I called him at eight and he didn’t really care that I was still with Abbie. He frustrates me.
I don’t know. When it comes down to it, I have an awesome life. I have a family that loves me, way more than enough possessions, a roof over my head, food to eat, and I’m able to live in a free country. In world cultures, we watched this movie about a kid who lived on a street corner in Mumbai. I’m WAY better off than that.
However, I have a wish. I wish I could go back to being 5 and I could run into his arms. I wish he could be carefree again and he’d swing me over his shoulders, chanting “Sack of potatoes, sack of potatoes!” I wish he’d flop me on the couch and we’d laugh so hard we’d cry. I wish for that close bond again, to the point where we could just talk. Talk… not screaming, not lecturing, not lying, just talk. I wish we could be close again. I wish.
Sure, my dad is difficult but it will get better (I hope). I might just be overdramatic. Who knows? I’m just fine, though (for now). Everything’s okay.


The Show- Lenka

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show


A robin father
Builds a sturdy home for eggs
Outside my window

When they start to hatch
He keeps watch while mom gets food
Protecting babies

Builds their confidence
Instead of cutting them down
Why can’t you do that?

He doesn’t tease them
Has fun without being rude
You could learn from him

You think I don’t mind
Well, newsflash, I really do
Please stop mocking me

You always make jokes
Simply because I am a
Vegetarian

I’ll eat what I want
So suck it up, I won’t change
Don’t make fun of it

It’s stupid really
That you care what I’m eating
Just leave it alone

If you really try
You could be an awesome guy
And I wouldn’t cry

Just like a robin
You could teach us how to fly
But you’re too stubborn

You “give me freedom”
But when you don’t even call
It’s like you don’t care

It’s kind of funny
How you idolize Jacksen
And he prefers mom

You are so uptight
It’s not that hard to relax
And just enjoy life



Yelling and screaming
Uncomfortable feelings
Try Lamaze breathing



Why can’t we go back
To the way it used to be
When we got along

Creating cruel jokes
Isn’t necessarily
How to befriend me




Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

--unknown

If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living

--Gail Sheehy

If you cannot be a poet, be the poem
--David Carradine


Be Okay- Kenna Aukamp
Chorus:
At the end of the day it’s all okay
Time to wipe your tears away
Tomorrow is not yesterday
And it’s all okay
Be okay
Be okay

Hello, Mr. Sun
How are you this morning?
Your rays are so inspiring
Suddenly blocked by a cloud
Don’t let it make you frown
Don’t let it bring you down

Chorus

The rain, though not a nice thought
Feeds a seedling that had sought
To break through the surface
So don’t make haste
Bad things don’t have to go to waste
‘Cause they’re good things, too

Chorus

Now I don’t know why
We all must cry
When life gives you lemons, don’t throw a fit
You can make lemonade out of it

Chorus
(repeat)
Be okay
Be okay

(fade)





Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music

--Angela Monet

1 SPORTS

The only word that matters to my dad, it seems. So it’s not hard to believe why he so idolizes his only son.

2 JACKSEN

My bro. We stick together through thick and thin. Through divorce and loss and hardships and even through the brutal attacks from our personal family armed forces which we’ve codenamed flower.

3 LILY

Usually a menace. My mom wants us to support her and build her up but this is my personal venting time. I’d compare her to a mongoose. She’s cute and cuddly looking, but she has the ability to kill you if she wants to. Example: This Easter. Gregg and his three kids, Zac, Natalie, and Kaitlin stayed at my mom’s house with us. Lily is an early riser and was determined to open Easter baskets. My mom told her she couldn’t until we were all up, so she made a transformation from Lily to Flower. She marched upstairs and into my brother’s room, where Zac was staying, and whips out a bright orange marker. She first scribbles all over his face, then yanks on his hair. All of this while screaming “WAKE UP, ZAC!!!” talk about a monster. But then, she can be hilarious. She’s been exposed to too much for her age. Her favorite movie is House Bunny, her favorite songs include; Crank That by Soulja Boy, Low by T-Pain, Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, and anything by Hannah Montana. But, it’s the funniest thing ever when she talks. Here she is, with her smocked dresses and her big pink bows saying this (and I quote), “Hey, Kenna! Did you know Avril Lavigne is goth? That means she’s angry. Her favorite color is black. I like black, too. When I grow up, I’m gonna be the leader of all the Goths!” She was funny tonight, too. She said, “I don’t wanna have babies when I’m a mommy ‘cause that hurts. Instead, I’m gonna buy a kid from China!”

You know, the more I think about it, I realize Lily is the cause for most of my problems. It’s because of her, in a way, that my dad doesn’t like me. She swooped in and became daddy’s new favorite before I could blink. As if that’s not enough, she torments me on a daily basis. And yet, I’d die for her. I couldn’t live without her. When push comes to shove, I love her. And sometimes, it doesn’t have to get that violent for me to love her, either.

4 DIVORCE

This word has many meanings to different people. Some may think it’s ungodly. Some may have been through it more times than they can count. Some see it as life changing. Some think it’s an excuse for a good soap opera.

I think of it nonchalantly.

It changed my parents for sure. My mom is happier. She doesn’t complain about the little things or constantly feel the need to clean our house twice a day. Its like this word brought light & life to her.

Not my dad.

It changed him for the worst. He’s crankier than ever. His eyes are empty and barren and he has more time to do his favorite thing; veg out staring, unseeingly at old sci-fi reruns. He’s the polar opposite of my mom.