“What’s a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town?” the words to my theme song from a Joe Nichols song. Some would laugh but it’s true they are because I cannot get a date anywhere. If I told you half the stories about my failed attempts your head would spin. So for time’s sake I’ll only tell you three.


The very first attempt was completely terrible. Not in a failure sense but just by what happened earlier. So there was this girl I really liked,. So I asked her out, and may I remind you this was the first time in my life I had tried to get a date. So I asked her and she said she wasn’t sure, she said she was really swamped at school and work and it might be a while before she was free. I respected that I understood how bad school and work combined could be but I find out a few weeks later she completely blew me. I found out she was making jokes about me behind my back saying it was creepy that I was so nice and how I open doors for girls and stuff like that. It wasn’t creepy, that’s how I was raised, to be a gentleman but apparently that isn’t a very admirable trait. So I moved on but not before having some choice words with her first.


The second was just a complete disaster I mean a train wreck. So in my Creative Writing class there was this girl ok. Completely gorgeous, long curly brown hair, a great smile. She was quiet and didn’t smile much but when she did it was great. Also her eyes. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were a cross between gray, blue and everything in between, some would describe these as cold, solid colors but strangely they weren’t, her eyes had a certain soft quality about them that made them even more attractive. Also besides just the superficial things she was so nice, I have a way of reading people sometimes and those feelings you get when you just know something, those gut feelings. Well that is what I had about her and it turns out o my perspective that I was right. She was really sweet to everybody she knew and her writing confirmed it. We just had finals and she had written a really personal piece that really gave you some insight into what she really thought of herself and the world and that really stunned me. So enough about that lets get to the bad part. So it’s close to homecoming and every I know left and right are getting dates so I figured why don’t I try. So after class I catch up to her, and we both travel to the same place for our next class so it worked out like I wasn’t going out of my way. So I stop her and we start talking for a second and then I ask,

“(Insert name of whoever here) you wouldn’t happen to have a date to homecoming yet would ya?” I ask, holding my breath the entire time because it’s already taken me so long to work up the courage just to talk to her. And she smiles that smile that I swear just kills me and says, “Oh I’m sorry I have a boyfriend.” And my heart just sank to the bottom of my stomach like a rock. I mean I just felt like the plane that crashed and burned into the ground. A big fiery crash. So I swallow my taste of defeat and nonchalantly I just say. “Oh, just forget it then.” With a smile and she kinda feels bad, I can see it in her eyes and she says “Sorry.” And I just say “Forget about it it’s no big deal.” All with a smile and walk away. And the worst part is that my friend who walked up to talk to me at the same time saw it all happen and they have never let me forget it. Just another mark on my wall of shame.


My third and final story is a bit stranger. So I’m at a dance about a month later and my friends an I are just hanging out having a good time when on one of the hay bails is this girl crying and I say to my friends maybe we should see if we can help. So we walk over and we all sit down around her and try to find out what the matter is and it turns out her boyfriend dumped her on a dare a few hours earlier and me just trying to act like an idiot to cheer her up starts saying all of these ridiculous jokes that apparently are hilarious to her. And later on when she’s talking about dating I say, “Well I’ve never been on a date so I’ve never had that problem.” Probably now that I look back not even thinking before I spoke and she looks at me all seriously and says, “Well do you want to go out on a date sometime?” and I think to myself, that really worked? So, still stunned I answer yes and that was that right.
I finally have a date right, wrong. So as the night progresses we start talking and she starts telling me about herself and that’s cool right, girls like to talk so I go along with it, but when she starts telling me things like the kids at her school are so mean to her that she just wants to kill them all I start thinking to myself, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. The only thing is she wont let me out of her sight. She keeps running me down and wont let me talk to my friends anymore and start getting freaked out even more. Now of course I’m a gentleman and I don’t want to just tell her to get lost because that’s rude, especially after what had happened to her earlier that night I don’t want to hurt her feelings so I go along with it. But it starts getting to the point to where I just cant take it anymore, I’m seriously freaked out by now when she starts saying things like when she asked me if I had any pets. I told her no and she followed up by saying, “Well if you’re ever going to get used to my family you’re going to have to learn to like cats and dogs because we’ve got seven.” And I’m thinking to myself I just wanted a date not to get married to you after only knowing her for less than an hour ago. But for all of you who think I overacted are wrong because when my friends finally got me away from her for a few minutes they come back and tell me she said she’s in love with me and I’ve only known her for forty-five minutes. So eventually I escape her and my friends hid me for the rest of the night but the irony of it all was the fact that I had gone and gotten my hair cut earlier in the day and the haircut lady at the base is really friendly and likes to talk and talk and talk some more. But she started asking me about if I had a girlfriend and I told her no and she started giving me all of this dating advice and one of the things she said was “Stay away from the needy girls because those are bad relationships.” And what happens, that same day I try to get a date with a creepy psycho needy girl. Just like I was advised not to. So long story short I went to the dance almost got a date and had a bad time.

So take this advice from me, getting dates is hard work. It may seem easy but it is hard work. But hang in there because you’ll get one eventually, I hope. I’m trying this new thing of taking my own advice so I hope it comes true. Anyway I hope you had at least one laugh. If not, well then I really shouldn’t be a comedian.